Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood problem and my Robin Hood problem

Your grandfather's Robin Hood (Image via Wikipedia)

I sing a song of Hoodly Robin

So all folkes let ye heads start bobbin’

He robbed the rich

–Ain’t that a bitch?

Methinks I can still hear ‘em sobbin’

–Traditional English ballad

Robin Hood is perhaps the greatest historical figure there ever was. How great was he? I’ll tell you how great:

We still remember and revere Robin Hood today, a millennium or so later, even though we don’t even know if he really existed.

Now that’s greatness. And it’s the kind of greatness Hollywood adores. You make a movie about Abraham Lincoln, some smartass critic is bound to say, “Well, yes, Brad Pitt was energetic and attractive, if not exactly Lincolnesque, but the scene where he beats up Mary Todd Lincoln for spending $10,000 on a designer snood? I don’t think that really happened.”

You don’t get this kind of second-guessing with Robin Hood. A filmmaker could show him opening an Indian-Pakistani restaurant and nobody could say boo about historical accuracy. We have no idea what the real Robin Hood, if there was one, did. Maybe that’s why Ridley Scott felt inspired to do his remake, which hits the multiplexes in May and is wittily titled Robin Hood.

But I have to warn you, Ridley: When it comes to Robin Hood, I have my standards.

I do approve of your casting Russell Crowe, of whom it must be said: This is a man who looks comfortable in old clothes. Russell Crowe you can dress in a toga, a suit of chain mail or a brocade jerkin with total confidence. Maybe even a codpiece, should the need arise. Whereas you put sandals and a toga on Brad Pitt and you risk hearing snickers from the back of the theater. That’s why no one in his right mind would ever cast Brad in an epic about, say, ancient Troy.

Though I’m not sure even Crowe’s gravitas could withstand the bright green tights and cute feathered caps worn by Errol Flynn and company in the 1938 classic The Adventures of Robin Hood. Many people of my generation still regard Flynn as the definitive Robin but you can’t watch the thing today without thinking, “Hmm, merry men? Friar Tuck? Will Scarlet? Bright green tights? Is this Brokeback Forest or what? Who’s their next recruit, Peter Pan?”

There may not even be a forest in the new Robin Hood. I saw the trailer and it looked very…medieval. It looked dark, actually, which seems a bit literal-minded for a story set in the Dark Ages. The phrase “Before Sherwood Forest” flashed onscreen. So where is Robin hanging out now? Downtown Liverpool?

Rather than the usual displays of brilliant archery in old-fashioned Robin Hood movies, I have a feeling we’re going to be witnessing lots of large, spiked iron balls and war axes staving in people’s skulls like muskmelons.

Nor do I anticipate seeing Robin’s boys playing collegiate-style pranks on each other or a stooge-like sheriff of Nottingham. Should they even attempt it, I fear Robin Crowe will shout, “Awright, arseholes, cut the grab-ass and start staving in people’s skulls like fookin’ muskmelons!”

I don’t see a whole lot of Oscar-grabbing opportunities for Maid Marian in this production, either, even though the redoubtable Cate Blanchett is on hand. Perhaps she will be raped, murdered, drawn and quartered by King John and his evil henchmen so Russ can glower as only Russ can and avenge her as only Cate Blanchett deserves to be avenged.

But in my mind the biggest question is: Will this Robin Hood rob from the rich and give to the poor? That’s the shtick everyone remembers from the Robin Hood legend. Yep, I doubt if he existed but he did rob from the rich and give to the poor, I often hear people say.

In today’s highly charged, partisan political atmosphere, this gets us into a very sensitive area. The right wing, which is already pissed off about Avatar being anti-corporate America, is going to start yelling “communism!” The Beck-Limbaugh-O’Reilly rantomatic will blow a gasket.

Frankly, I’m worried that Ridley Scott may cave in to the pressure and merely have Robin Hood battling oppression. Hell, anyone can battle oppression. Jimmy Stewart did it constantly and he wasn’t even an action star. But redistribution of wealth? That takes a real man. I’m sure Russell Crowe is up to the job but the truth is he can’t accomplish economic justice unless his director, producer and screenwriter let him.

Will Robin Hood be allowed to follow his traditional liberal inclinations? Will the miserable medieval masses ever get some kind of health-care reform, with or without a public option? I nervously await the reviews.