Red, Rube, Satchel and the Duke: The all-nickname team
George Herman Ruth, Jr. (Image via Wikipedia)
News item: Spring training under way.
In honor of baseball and its magical propensity for generating meaningless arguments, I hereby present the All-Nickname Team.
Ground rules: The nickname must be so powerful that in effect, it became the player’s first name, replacing his given name. Modifier monikers and parentheticals, though treasured, are disqualified: Sorry, Shoeless and Joltin’ Joe, Hammerin’ Hanks Aaron and Greenberg. Abject apologies to Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown and Wade “Chicken Man” Boggs. Regrets to Wee Willie “Hit ‘Em Where They Ain’t” Keeler and Poosh ‘Em Up Tony Lazzeri.
Ideally, these nonpareils of nomenclature must be both superior players at their position and have the best nickname. Of course, how often does one achieve the ideal?
The lineup:
C: Yogi Berra
1B: Cap Anson
2B: Red Schoendienst
SS: Pee Wee Reese, Rabbit Maranville (tie)
3B: Pie Traynor
OF: Babe Ruth
OF: Hack Wilson
OF: Duke Snider
DH: Heinie Manush
RHP: Satchel Paige
RHP: Dizzy Dean
RHP: Catfish Hunter
LHP: Rube Waddell
LHP: Whitey Ford
LHP: Preacher Roe
Closer: Goose Gossage
Pinch Hitter: Home Run Baker
Pinch Runner: Cool Papa Bell
Up for a cup of coffee: Vinegar Bend Mizell, Cookie Lavagetto, Daffy Dean, Kiki Cuyler, Ducky Medwick, Schoolboy Rowe. Germany Schaefer, Bobo Newsom, Boog Powell, Chili Davis, Dixie Walker, Mookie Wilson
Manager: Casey Stengel
Commissioner: Happy Chandler
Umpire: Jocko Conlan
Announcer: Red Barber
Sportswriter: Red Smith
National Anthem: Bing Crosby accompanied by the Count Basie Band
Refreshment Stand: Toots Shor
Let the arguing begin!
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Supplementary Notes:
The inspiration for this exercise: When I was a kid and a Brooklyn Dodger fan, the Yankee and Giant fans would always crow about how their CFs were better than ours, even though ours was pretty damn good. Well, Duke, it wasn’t easy but I finally found a way to put you ahead of Mick and the Say-Hey Kid. Got Pee Wee and Preacher in there, too! We rule.
Thanks to my baseball advisory panel: Mort Sheinman, Ben Patrusky, Bruce Weber, Avery Corman, Vic Ziegel, Robert Bazell, Mike Neill
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This is fun! If you ever do a list for football, please consider Dick “Night Train” Lane. In bsketball, my favorite was not even a nickname, but the real deal: Baskerville Holmes.
Is another rule that every player has to be dead? Maybe nicknames just aren’t as big as they used to be. Here’s a few more suggestions…
1B: Boog Powell (clearly better than Cap Anson)
2B/SS: Pokey Reese
RF: Trot Nixon (Trot is his middle name)
CF: Coco Crisp
RP: Storm Davis
RP: Rollie Fingers
RP: Turk Wendell
RP: Oil Can Boyd
My favorite nickname however doesn’t meet your criteria: Rich El Guapo Garces
Just because you (didn’t) ask, my NBA nickname starting give:
PG: Sleepy Floyd
SG: Fat Lever
SF: Rip Hamilton
PF: Hot Rod Williams
C: Tree Rollins
And what of the NFL? Refrigerator Perry is crying out to you.
In response to another comment. See in context »Well, the NFL starts a ton of players, but here’s the start of a list (sadly, i’m not sure these guys would win a lot of games):
QB: Boomer Esiason
In response to another comment. See in context »RB: Icky Woods
FB: Moose Johnson
WR: Rocket Ismail
WR: Chad Ochocinco (an actual legal nickname!)
TE: Bubba Franks
DB: Night Train Lane
And of Crazylegs Hirsch you say nothing?
In response to another comment. See in context »You forgot Frog Redus!
Even Strat-O-Matic forgot to put his real first name (Wilson) on his playing card. And yes indeed, he is Gary Redus’s grandfather.
As a lifelong Mets fan (sympathy encouraged…):
Tug McGraw
Doc Gooden
Bud Harrelson
Stork Theodore
The best all-time Mets name was Darryl Strawberry but I don’t think either of those is a nickname.
In response to another comment. See in context »