Shh! We’re trying to keep the war in Pakistan a secret

Image by KirrilyRobert via Flickr

You might think that keeping a war secret would be impossible. For one thing, they’re really noisy. And then there are all those bodies lying around.

But if anyone can do it, it’s us. When it comes to finding new and exciting ways to conduct warfare, who gives battle more innovatively (or frequently) than the U.S.?

So I wasn’t too surprised at recent news reports intimating that we’re having a secret war in Pakistan. Not with Pakistan, of course. We don’t fight countries much anymore. It’s those damn terrorists. Wherever you go, there they are.

It’s gotten to the point where we can invade pretty much any country at random and bingo! A bunch of terrorists is there waiting to fight us.

In places like Pakistan, you have to fight the damn terrorists on the QT, because, as I understand it, if the Pakistanis ever find out they’ll get so mad they’ll overthrow their government, the one we’re propping up, and then the terrorists will become the government and the war will get bigger, noisier, bloodier, more expensive and worst of all, incredibly non-secret. They’re very touchy, those Pakistanis.

Fortunately, we’ve developed stealthy weapons such as the Predator Drone, which lurks around the skies, ducking behind clouds a lot. When in the open, it whistles, looks casual and pretends to be a tourist. Should it spot an enemy, it drops a rather subtle and unassuming guided missile on him.

This way, we avoid having a few hundred thousand noisy, sweaty troops clomping around the countryside, which is always a dead giveaway that there’s a war on.

So the thing is, whatever you do, don’t tell the Pakistanis. If you know a Pakistani, talk with him about sports, weather, fashion, the new season of Lost, anything but war.

In New York and other large northeastern cities, you’ll mostly have to be careful not to mention the war while riding in taxis unless, of course, the driver is talking on his cell phone, in which case he’ll be too distracted to overhear you.

Personally, I think this is a very small sacrifice to ask of my fellow Americans in support of our secret war effort. In general, if you must talk about the war, just keep your voice down and avoid excited gesticulation.

We all know how successful the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy has been at handling the gays-in-the-military issue. Well, now we’re just applying it to an entire war.

By the way, I hate to bring this up but it’s possible we’re fighting other wars, too, wars so secret that even The New York Times doesn’t know about them.

If we are and you’re in on it, please don’t tell me. I’m having enough trouble keeping the Pakistan war secret. I almost mentioned it to my gossipy neighbor Frieda the other day.

If she finds out, forget it; it’ll be all over the neighborhood.