Why do we kiss under the mistletoe? (and other inane holiday questions)

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Why do we kiss under the mistletoe?

The custom originated in the court of King Olaf XVI of Sweden in 1673. Informed by advisers on Christmas Eve that bubonic mistletoe blight had caused a mistletoe shortage, Olaf inquired: “What the hell is mistletoe?” (actually schmessletoejtz in Swedish)

“Sire,” his advisers replied in unison, “It is a hemi-parasitic plant of the order Santalales that grows attached to and within the branches of a tree or shrub.”

“Oh, that mistletoe,” Olaf said. “Fetch me a sprig, that I may behold this wondrous vegetation with my own eyes. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get a new Christmas tradition out of it. So far all we’ve got is praying.”

His servants rushed to the nearest sprig store, Bibi’s Organic Shrub and Herb Exchange, and ordered Bibi to bring a bit of her finest mistletoe to the palace post haste. When she arrived bearing her last remaining sprig, King Olaf saw the beautiful young woman and said, “Whoa, forget the mistletoe!” He then planted a big wet smooch on her quivering, pliant lips and took her to his chambers to further their acquaintance.

Ever since, we have all kissed under the mistletoe and yet, incredibly and to our everlasting shame, we don’t even know why.

Why was Rudolph the reindeer’s nose red?

It wasn’t. Rudolph is fictional and never existed. Santa Claus’ sleigh actually has no lead animal. The reindeer are guided by Santa, who has supernatural powers, enabling him to navigate in all weather conditions. He has never once had an accident in more than 2,000 years of flying, mostly at night, though in 1947, he fell asleep and overshot Baton Rouge by 200 miles.

Was Good King Wenceslas really any good?

Wenceslas, the Duke of Bohemia, ruled from 905 to 935. These were difficult years for Bohemia, much like all the other ones. Wenceslas, an administrator of modest talents, did a so-so job and became known as Not Bad Wenceslas, Duke of Bohemia. Incidentally, he never actually went out on the Feast of Stephen, considering Stephen a lousy cook.

However, when the famous Christmas carol was written, by Jerome Kern and Yip Harburg in 1923, they discovered that “Not Bad Wenceslas, Duke of Bohemia,” didn’t scan and changed it to “Good King Wenceslas.” (They also considered changing the name to Winklepuss but were talked out of it by Hoagy Carmichael.)

Which is correct, Chanuka or Hannukah?

Neither. The holiday is actually spelled kchkchkchkchanuukka and is pronounced schmessletoejtz.

What does “Auld Lang Syne” mean? And why should old acquaintance be forgot?

When we sing the famous Scottish ditty just after midnight on January 1, we are, without realizing it, reverting to a barbaric chant that in the ancient Gaelic tongue means: “Get roaring drunk and have orgiastic sex in the firelight with whomsoever is nearest thee, then kill a large mammal with your spear and sacrifice it to the pagan gods of our forefathers.” Though few people do the mammal thing anymore, the pagan gods are usually appeased by the song alone, though occasionally they grow petulant and bring down the global economy.

Did Jesus celebrate Christmas?

Yes. Only he called it “my birthday.” Jesus always told friends and relatives, “Please, no gifts this year. Just donate some alms to my favorite charities, such as the March of Shekels, the Salvation Legion and Faith Healers Without Borders. If you want to toss a shindig, that’s okay, but no big fuss, just a few close disciples getting together for an egg nog and falafel someplace in the neighborhood. I mean we just had the big Kchkchkchkchanuukka party, right?”

Was Santa Claus really shot down over Afghanistan last year by a Hellfire missile launched by a Predator Drone?

No. This is an urban legend popularized by Bill O’Reilly. Actually, Santa, employing his supernatural powers and his in-sleigh radar, spotted the missile and took evasive action. The Hellfire crashed harmlessly in an Afghan village, killing three and wounding twelve.

Was Judah Maccabee really a Middle-Eastern terrorist?

Millions of innocent Jewish children burst into tears recently when New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote that the Maccabees were “angry, bearded religious guys [who won] an insurgency campaign against a great power in the Middle East” and who also performed forced circumcisions on apostates and their camels.

Take heart, mine little darlinks. David was just showing off as usual, trying to impress us with his erudition. In fact, the Maccabees were awesomely cool dudes who can best be understood as early Jewish versions of Neo, Trinity and Morpheus in The Matrix, though without the black leather overcoats, which were too hot for desert wear.

Where can I buy some frankincense and myrrh?

You can find organically grown fresh frankincense in the aromatic resin section of Whole Foods. Myrrh is harder to come by, requiring a dangerous trip to the souks of Yemen (and introduction to a myrrh pusher, most of whom carry jeweled daggers and have mercurial temperaments). In addition, its street value now runs upward of $25,000 an ounce and the price could rise still higher if anyone ever finds a use for it.