These Tiger Woods bulletins just in!!!
Three more Tiger sex partners step forward
Three contestants in the Miss World contest being held in Sao Paulo, Brazil, today admitted they have had sex with golf superstar Tiger Woods. The three, Lucinda Espinoza, Miss Paraguay; Helga Spaetzle, Miss Germany; and Algota Mkibo, Miss Namibia, said the affairs took place in 2005, 2006 and 2008, respectively.
Tiger plans 22 separate apologies to nation
A spokesperson for Tiger Woods announced yesterday that the golf champion would make 22 separate TV appearances tomorrow to apologize to the nation for his sexual indiscretions. Each appearance will represent a different affair, the spokesperson said, adding, “We hear some more are about to come out and we figure 22 should cover it but we’re ready to add more if needed.”
Tiger used penis during trysts, woman says
Tiger Woods often utilized his penis while having sex with her, says Amber Belkin, a Detroit funeral-home hostess who stepped forward yesterday, becoming the 17th woman to acknowledge boffing the golf superstar. “It was definitely his,” Belkin told excited reporters. Asked how she knew that, she replied, “It was attached to his groin.”
Tiger’s wife almost finished packing
Elin Nordegren, estranged wife of golf great Tiger Woods, has packed twelve suitcases and has one more to go, the gossip website TMZ reported today. When done, she will bolt her husband’s Florida home, jump into a waiting car and head for the secluded island she has purchased off the Swedish coast, where several thousand TV cameramen and reporters await her arrival.
Tiger mother-in-law rushes back to house
Tiger Woods’ stricken mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg, rushed to the hospital after collapsing yesterday, was treated and quickly rushed back to Woods’ home today, sources reported. “I hate missing any of this fun,” she texted a nurse she had met at the hospital.
Copenhagen climate summit splits over Tiger
The Copenhagen climate summit was thrown into disarray today as Third World nations complained that “a massive wave of hot air” over Tiger Woods’ sex life emanating from the mass media of the industrial nations was threatening to destroy the climate of the poorer countries. Fighting among the delegates caused thousands of casualties.
Tiger Woods’ gardener collapses, rushed to hospital
An unknown woman, believed to be a sex slave of Tiger Woods’, called 911 today and frantically pleaded for an ambulance to be sent to the golf superstar’s residence. “Tony the gardener is down!” she could be heard saying on police tapes while sobbing. “He can’t take the stress anymore.”
Russian Czarina denies oral sex with Woods
Catherine II, empress and autocrat of all the Russias, proclaimed in a ukase issued today that rumors linking her with American professional athlete Tiger Woods are false. “We have met Mr. Woods,” the ruler often called Catherine the Great decreed. “We have admired his fluid swing and his powerful stroke—no smutty pun intended there—but we have never once gone down upon him.”
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lewis Grossberger, Tweets Tube. Tweets Tube said: These Tiger Woods bulletins just in!!! http://bit.ly/89aLBP [...]
I’m surprised he missed Miss Bratislava, Miss Brazil, and the oh so fun and sexually progressive, Miss Australia.
I mean, Namibia? Come on Tiger, raise your standards a little.
I’m surprised however that no one has asked the question: What’s John Daly’s role in all this.
Before I could care less. Now I know I can care even less than that.
P.S. You made me LOL (shock? surprise?) Rare occurrence around here. Thanx!
This is the best take on this tedious topic. Maybe if Tiger writes a book, “If I Did It” or, in his case, “How I Did It,” he could make up for his lost golfing revenue and then some.