How close is Iran to developing a nuclear weapon?

Worthless! (Image via Wikipedia)

Abolhassan: Hi, everyone, I’m Abolhassan Malaki and this is Nuke Talk, brought to you by Iranian Public Radio.

Hamid: And I’m Hamid Malaki. OK, let’s jump right into the centrifuge and see what’s spinning.

Abolhassan: Ha ha, yes! And then my brother will be glowing!

Hamid: Good quip, Abolhassan, though as I recall, it was you who had a glow on last night.

Abolhassan: Uh oh, don’t tell the mullahs, or they’ll beat me senseless.

Hamid: No problem there, brother, for in order to be beaten senseless, you must first have sense.

Abolhassan: Ouch! My brother Hamid is wicked sharp today. Hello, Sayyed in Natanz, you’re on Nuke Talk.

Sayyed: Thanks for taking my call. Here’s my question: I was enriching some uranium at the lab last week…

Hamid: Was it low-enriched uranium or the good stuff?

Sayyed: High grade all the way. You know, the low enriched we sell to North Korea.  Anyway, a UN inspector came through on a surprise visit so naturally, I hid a few dozen kilograms.

Abolhassan: Quick thinking, Sayyed!

Sayyed: But afterward, when I retrieved the uranium, it seemed to have lost its zing. The isotopes barely had any pop to them.

Hamid: Where did you hide the stuff, Sayyed?

Sayyed: In the employee cafeteria, behind the ice-cream freezer.

Abolhassan: Oh boy, if that freezer had leakage, that could be your problem right there.

Hamid: Once my brother stashed a few tons of plutonium in the garage overnight when it was raining and the roof leaked. Next thing you know, poof! Vaporization, ionization, a big mess. Remember that, Abolhassan?

Abolhassan: Sure. Half the garage was contaminated. My wives were really furious.

Sayyed: So what do I do?

Hamid: You might try a vortex tube separation process. That could give you some diffusion in the pressure gradients and she’d be good as new.

Abolhassan: And when you do that, don’t forget to dilute your hexafluoride with a little laser excitation.

Sayyed: I’ll give that a try. Thanks, fellows. You may have saved us months in the struggle against Zionist imperialism!

Abolhassan: Beautiful. Jafar in Qum, you’re on Nuke Talk.

Jafar: Hello, guys. You are my favorite nuke jocks.

Abolhassan: Thanks, Jafar. What part of Qum do you live in?

Jafar: The upper west side.

Hamid: Really? One of my ex-wives lives there.

Abolhassan: Of course that’s true of every neighborhood in Iran!

Jafar: So tell me, wise Malaki brothers. Do you know where I can go to refine some yellowcake?

Hamid: Are you trying to punk us, Jafar?  Nobody uses yellowcake any more. Not even my brother. You take yellowcake to a gaseous fusion facility nowadays, they’ll just laugh at you.

Jafar: But I got a sweet deal on 200 tons of it in Ghana!

Abolhassan: Oh, no! You fell for the Ghanaian yellowcake scam?

Hamid: You poor addled nephew of a donkey! You’ve got a big manureload of worthless yellowcake on your hands.

Abolhassan: Maybe you should have a bake sale.

Hamid: Hold on, Abolhassan. Our producer is signaling that President Ahmadinejad is on the line. This is a great honor. Welcome to Nuke Talk, Mr. President:

Ahmadinejad: Thank you. I’m a big fan. I’ve been listening to you guys for years.

Hamid: Well, we’ve been listening to you for years.

Abolhassan: Because we’re afraid if we don’t, you’ll disappear us!

Ahmadinejad: Ha ha! That’s funny. But seriously, the reason I called, I was in Tabriz the other day getting a briefing on the new cyclotron up there.

Hamid: We hear it’s state of the art.

Ahmadinejad: She’s a honey. But the trouble is, when they get it over 10,000 kilometers a second, there’s a loud knocking.

Abolhassan: Like this? Ka-pock! Ka-pock! Ka-pock!

Ahmadinejad: No, more like Ba-gonk! Ba-gonk!

Abolhassan: Ohh. Ba-gonk. I used to have a 1987 Belgian C-14 Self-Extraction model that ba-gonked. Remember, that old wreck, Hamid?

Hamid: Do I! Ho, ho! Plutonium was leaking out of the containment facility! You got fined 150 rials, which I had to loan you.

Abolhassan: Last used cyclotron I ever bought, I’ll tell you that.

Ahmadinejad: The thing is, fellows, if this knocking isn’t fixed, I don’t know when we’re ever going to be able to blow up Israel. It could take decades.

Abolhassan: You know, sir, the big problem with ‘trons is keeping the electrodes lined up straight once the high-frequency alternating current starts flowing in the vacuum chamber.

Hamid: Don’t forget, those electrodes are spiraling at the speed of light so all it takes is one charged particle out of line and it’s ba-gonk till the goats come home.

Ahmadinejad: So what do you boys recommend?

Hamid: What you do, you get one of the tech guys to physically crawl into the chamber and give the electromagnet a whack with a ball-peen hammer.

Ahmadinejad: That’s it?

Abolhassan: That’ll do it every time.

Ahmadinejad: Miraculous! Praise to Allah.

Hamid: Actually, praise to Hamid and Abolhassan.

Ahmadinejad: Oops, watch it, boys. You’re getting a little close to blasphemy there.

Hamid: Whoa, sorry. Don’t want to go over the line.

Abolhassan: Last guy crossed that line, that was the last line that guy crossed.

All: (laughter)