Columbus defends himself on the Larry King show

Columbus lands, asks directions to CNN studio (Image via Wikipedia)

(Official CNN transcript)

Larry: It’s Columbus Day and my next guest is the man the holiday was named after. Christopher Columbus, welcome and happy Columbus Day.

CC: Thank you for inviting me, Larry. Nice to be here.

Larry: Just to avoid confusion among my viewers, you’re not the Chris Columbus who directed Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire and many other movies.

CC: Right, I’m the explorer, the intrepid navigator who discovered America. But I’m a fan of the other Columbus. I loved Night at the Museum. He put me in that movie. I mean, you know, someone playing me.

Larry: Shall I call you Admiral of the Ocean Seas or Mr. Columbus or what?

CC: Chris is fine, Larry.

Larry: OK, Chris then. When I was in school, we were taught you were one heck of a guy. You were the gem of the ocean. But now you’re embroiled in controversy. The Wall Street Journal ran a piece saying that a lot of cities and states are dropping the holiday or moving it from one date to another and downgrading it.

CC: May I be frank, Larry? I think that sucks. I really do. Just a shame. It makes me sad to see this. When I think of all the risks I took, the sacrifice… (shakes his head, mists up a bit)

Larry: A lot of historians are saying you weren’t really here first; they say the Vikings beat you.

CC: The Vikings? Don’t make me laugh, Larry. What did they start over here that lasted? Do you see a Vigentina? Viko Rico? The United States of Vikera? Sure, they got here a few years earlier but so what? They didn’t tell anybody! They’re barbarians, Larry. They had no grasp of public relations, none, and without that, what’s the point of exploring? I mean you discover America and keep it a secret? When I discovered America, it stayed discovered.

Larry: OK, but why was it named after Amerigo Vespucci instead of you?

CC: (Sighs) Politics, Larry, politics. Vespucci couldn’t navigate his way out of a paper bag. But he had the Medicis in his pocket. You know, they ran everything then. The fix was in. Columbia should be the name of both continents and the U.S. I’d like to see that changed, though honestly, I don’t think it’ll happen soon. Vespucci, let him have Columbus, Ohio.

Larry: This is kind of a sensitive issue, But I have to ask you…

CC: Shoot.

Larry: You’ve been accused of serious crimes against the indigenous people who were here when you landed. Genocide and slavery, for example. Not to mention that you named them “Indians” and they’ve been stuck with that for centuries.

CC: Well, what do you expect? I thought I was in India! What should I have called them, Romanians? Come on, it was the 15^th Century. We were all morons. We thought killing and enslaving people was what you’re supposed to do. Everyone did it. You land on a virgin shore, you plant the flag of your beloved sovereign, say a few prayers of thanks, and then you kill or enslave everyone who shows up to see what’s going on. Why blame me for that? I was just doing what I was taught in explorer school.

Larry: So if you could do it all over again, you wouldn’t kill and enslave?

CC: Well, not as much. If you didn’t do at least a little genocide, people would think you’re soft and they’d take advantage of you.

Larry: So how did you talk Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain into financing your four voyages?

CC: I’ve gotta tell you, Larry, they weren’t really the brightest of monarchs. You promise them a little gold and silver, tell them a few anti-Semitic jokes and bingo, they’re all Viva Cristobal! Ole! Vaya con Dios, amigo!

Larry: One more question, Chris. Will you be marching in the Columbus Day parade in New York?

CC: Gosh, I’d love to. I’d hoped to be named the grand marshal this year but they gave it to Tony Bennett. Well, I can’t argue with that. He’s a hell of a singer, though I don’t think he’s discovered any continents.

Larry: Thank you, Christopher Columbus. Tomorrow you’ll be on Oprah; be sure to give her my regards. And your new book, Columbus: Tragically Misunderstood Hero, is out next week.

CC: Thank you, Larry. It’s been my pleasure.