Leaked text of Obama speech to schoolchildren shows parents right to worry

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Hi, kids. My name is Barack Obama and I’m the President of the United States. I’m sure you all know what that means. It means you have to do whatever I tell you because if you don’t, I can take away your mommy and daddy and you’ll never see them again.

So listen real carefully, OK?

I know a lot of you haven’t been paying much attention to the argument we grown-ups are having about health-care reform. That’s all right. It’s really complicated stuff. Most of your parents have no idea what it’s all about either.

All you really need to remember is this: When you get home from school today, tell your mom and dad, “Mom and dad, you’ve got to write your Congressman and senators in support of the President’s health-care reform.”

Can you remember that? I’ll say it again, real slow. Mom and dad, you’ve got to write your Congressman and senators in support of the President’s health-care reform.

OK, now you all say it.

Great! That was really good. You are a great bunch of kids and I’m proud of you.

Now after you get home and tell mom and dad to write, I want you to let a little time go by and then ask them whether they’ve done it yet.

And if they say no, I want you to cry. Really, really loud. And kind of bang your head against the wall. And keep doing it until they promise to sit down and write their Congressman and senators. Hey, it’ll be fun! It’s not real crying and banging, just play crying and banging but mommy and daddy won’t know that. That’s a little secret between you and me.

Now everyone who does this and gets their folks to contact their representatives will get to do something amazingly awesome.  You see, kids, I’m starting a really cool club for you to join. It’s called Barack’s Socialist Funhouse and there’s going to be one in every town and city in America.

This club is just for kids. No grownups allowed! It’s gonna be so great.  There’ll be ice cream and soda and videogames and toys and movies and music. And for you older kids, a lot of hooking up. Plus you’ll hear all about a couple of super guys named Marx and Lenin.  They were what’s called revolutionaries, which is kind of like being a rapper or a vampire, except it’s even cooler.

But all that’s going to be happening in a couple of months. So for now, just remember, “Mom and Dad, write your Congressmen and senators in support of the President’s health-care reform.”

Thank you for listening, kids. I know I can count on you.