EXCLUSIVE: Here is the transcript of Bill Clinton’s talk with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il

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KJI: Welcome, President Obama to the beautiful, flower-bedecked People’s Democratic Republic of Korea. How do you like my country so far?

BC: Thank you, Mr. Glorious Dear Leader. It’s very nice, especially here in your Democratic Socialist Diamond Throne Room in the Golden-Domed Grand Palace of the People, but I’m actually former President Bill Clinton. I was the one between the two Bushes?

KJI: Really? Sorry, all you capitalist oppressors look alike. Hey, I’m kidding! You Americans love kidding, yes? I watch your Jimmy Fallon every night. No one else in North Korea is allowed to, just me. I love that thing where he slow-jams the news. That is awe-struck, dude!

BC: Yes, well, I’ll be sure to tell him. But you know, the reason I’m here is to talk about these two American women who have been detained on spy charges–

KJI: Ah, yes! I know you have an eye for the ladies, Mr. Former Ex-President, you rogue, you. I read all the tabloids of the supermarkets, which are specially flown in for me every week. These two lady spies, if I may speak as one manly world leader to another, are very–what is it you Americans say?—overheated!

BC: I think the term is “hot.” I wouldn’t know about that, Mr. Dear Leader, I’m more interested discussing in the specifics of the case and I’m wondering if there’s any possibility that you might–

KJI: What, set them free? Of course, of course. No problem. General Chung! [he snaps his fingers] Let loose the babes! See? Nothing to it.

BC: That’s it? Just like that, you’re–?

KJI: Aha! I am not the evil barbaric despot you thought I was, eh? See, you cannot trust the lying mainstream media.

BC: Well, I did expect to have to do some negotiating, a bit of quid pro quo. I kind of figured there’d be something you wanted.

KJI: OK, there is one thing. Let us gaily stroll up to the Great High-Rise Revolving Cafeteria of the People, where I have ordered a spectacular feast to be prepared, and you will describe to me in detail what exactly went down between you and Miss Lewinsky. Oh, that Miss Lewinsky! I dream of her still. Those eyes, those lips, those voluptuous…

[The rest of the transcript was censored by North Korean officials.]