Repo men confiscate California, broke state goes homeless
California was thrown into the street today as federal marshals repossessed every house, building and motor vehicle in the state.
“This is a sad day for California, which even at this late date I am unable to pronounce correctly,” said Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, standing forlornly with his family in front of the governor’s mansion in Sacramento, their meager possessions piled on the sidewalk.
Millions of unhappy Californians found themselves in the same situation as banks and other creditors dispatched an army of repo men to confiscate property in the bankrupt state.
“What choice do we have?” said Henry Potter, a spokesman for the consortium of financial institutions overseeing the action. “California didn’t pay its bills. They are, to use the technical term of art, a bunch of no-account, good-for-nothing bums.”
He said the state owed an estimated $37 trillion and in recent days had been kiting checks, panhandling on the street and even attempting to borrow from relatives.
“Oregon turned them down flat,” said Potter. “Oregon told them, ‘You’ll only blow it on liposuction and tanning salons.’”
The massive repossession resulted in scenes of despair and confusion throughout the length and breadth of the once proud “Golden State.”
“To look at me now you wouldn’t believe it,” said a shabby, filth-encrusted Beverly Hills man who gave his name as Tom Cruise. “But I used to be a player in this town. A superstar.”
He shook his head sadly and shuffled away, trailed by a scruffy makeup artist who dabbed ineffectually at his grimy face with a greasy rag.
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Will the Eagles still get their royalty checks for Hotel California?
Eagles became extinct in California years ago.
In response to another comment. See in context »Here in Oregon we have posted guards on all the highways as California immigrants are backed up in beat up Rolls and Lexus’ loaded down with hot tubs, sun tan machines, scripts and six or seven ex-wives and their therapists and a poodle tied to the bumper. It is horrible, they’re screaming for someone named Trader Joe and several people who described themselves as important agents want to negotiate entry but insist on Oregon paying them a fee to enter and screaming about a dollar one gross deal, whatever that is but if it is gross we want no part of it and they want us to cover the expense of something called an entourage. I think they mean to bring in French people too. We Oregonians now fear a french invasion as well. Oh my god…I think…yes…it’s Harrison Ford circling in a helicopter…oh the humanity…help…..
No one will blame you if you shoot down that helicopter. You must think first of yourself and your loved ones.
In response to another comment. See in context »