My Speech to the Harvard Graduating Class

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Thank you, thank you. Hello, Harvard! Wow, look at you guys! What a good-looking class. How you all doin’? Anyone here from New Jersey? Right, the kid in the greasy mortarboard and the cut-off gown.

OK, settle down. Let’s get serious. I’m going into my serious voice now. These are serious times we live in. Parlous times. You guys know what “parlous” means. You went to Harvard. Those of you who took Philosophy 309A with Professor Kravath, who was recently laid off due to budget cuts, you know that the immortal Socrates, after being handed the cup of hemlock, said, “Man, this tastes like shit.” He did not mean it literally, of course. He was referring to the state of civilization. Oblique kind of guy, Socrates. Big on symbolism, parables, metaphors. Or was that Plato?

Now some people say that in such grim—I might even say parlous—times as these, times of crisis and havoc and rampant despair, with great institutions collapsing all around us, when college graduates like you can’t find a job even if their parents are rich and knew Michelle Obama in law school, that it is best to give up, to retreat, to crawl into a dark hole somewhere and never come out. Maybe even end it all.

I’m pretty much with them. For once, the Some People Who Say got it right. Quitting! That’s the ticket. Don’t try to be a hero. Surrender. Lie down and die. Give up that dream and settle for mediocrity. Hey, it worked for your parents.

Some of you are booing. That’s OK, I can live with booing. Had lots of experience with that, believe me. Look, not everyone can handle the truth. Not everyone has that kind of courage. You want me to sugarcoat, I’ll sugarcoat. But would that be honest? Would it be fair to you? Would it prepare you for the rotten, stinking, ball-crushing world you’re going to be facing?

Now some of you are yelling, “Shut up.” This older group down front—what are you, parents? Faculty?—you’re all like “Throw the bum out.” OK, I hear you. Calm down. Sorry, my bad. Hey, I thought this was Harvard, crème de la crème, bastion of reason, pinnacle of whatever. Hold on. Let me pull out my speech for Southern Idaho Junior College, where I appear next week. Give the crowd what it wants, that’s my motto.

Proud graduates of Southern Idaho, distinguished faculty, gun-toting parents. I still believe in the American Dream. I still believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. I believe that in dark times it is better to light one candle than to fall down the stairs and rupture your spleen. I believe that you young men and women, the leaders of tomorrow…

What, you’re throwing things? Jeez, what kind of person brings rotten eggs to a commencement exercise? And you bozos running up the aisle, who the hell are you? Oh, security. Great, just who I need. What do you mean what did I do with the real guy? I am the real guy. ID? Sure, I’ve got it right here, under my gown. Hang on, I know it’s in here somewhere…