And now an important message from Sarah Palin’s former personal shopper

Nicolle Wallace was asked by the Republican Party to mind Governor Sarah Palin and her family during the 2008 presidential election. And now as a writer for Tina Brown’s The Daily Beast, Nicolle is proving to us over and over again that she’s as good at political analysis as she was at keeping the Palins from treating the McCain campaign’s fundraising as a Neiman Marcus gift card.

Just as the Beast treats us to the clever prognostications of the young Meghan McCain, the web magazine also provides us with the literary stylings of what appears to be an older version of the young Ms. McCain. Ms. Wallace argues that the GOP, instead of developing a bold new political platform, just needs to find its new Ronald Reagan. Like David Petraeus. Or Gary Sinise. Or maybe Xenu.

Here are a few remarks on some of Ms. Wallace’s best paragraphs:

It was four short years ago that the Democrats were in a similar state of disarray after John Kerry’s bruising defeat in 2004. While there were plenty of “where do they go from here” stories about the Democrats in early 2005, I don’t remember a daily drumbeat of stories about whether the Democratic Party had become a regional party. And I don’t recall a similar volume of coverage about the Democratic Party facing a choice between remaining true to its ideals and moderating itself to appeal to independent voters.

via Waiting for Reagan – The Daily Beast.

Ha ha, well Nicolle, I wouldn’t imagine you’d remember all that media coverage on the future of the Democratic party in 2004-05. Like most Republicans you probably didn’t have much time to sit down and read the funny papers given that you were getting drunk on power and swinging by the Congressional Page dormitory for the after party.

The tortured internal debates between those who believe we should cling more tightly to our conservative principles and others who advocate applying more modern (and in many cases, more moderate) interpretations of individual freedoms are as wrenching for those of us who love this party as the film Sophie’s Choice. Our first mistake was accepting this media-generated debate as legitimate. It’s a false choice that offers nothing but continued division for Republicans.

Do you understand Republicans? Choosing whether or not to moderate some positions on your party platform is like a Nazi forcing you to choose which of your children gets to live and die.

It’s worth rehashing all of this recent history to ensure a more honest debate about the way forward for Republicans. What we need is a leader who matches the moment and transcends the narrow debates about ideology—not because they’re unimportant, but because they are un-resolvable in a media-refereed vacuum. It’s also worth keeping in mind the words of Bonnie Tyler when we imagine the task at hand for the Republican Party:

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need. I need a hero.

Other lyrics from Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Holding on for a Hero’:

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me

Whoa, Nicolle, sounds like you want to take the GOP back to the Congressional Page Dormitory!

Our next leader must be able to articulate a belief in America’s unique role in the world that is as relevant today as it was when our nation was founded. He or she must make clear that when the men and women of our military are on the battlefield in Iraq and Afghanistan, and other fronts as well, our entire nation is at war, and we must live as a nation at war.

That’s right: if there’s anything that brings Americans together, it’s the feeling that we as a nation are now and ALWAYS WILL BE at war.

One Republican I know suggested that actor Gary Sinise might be our savior. According to news reports, he’s part of an underground group of conservatives in Hollywood—an act of bravery in itself. His stated belief in American exceptionalism might end up being a powerful contrast to Obama’s “American apologist” mantra. The natural strengths that an actor brings to politics would come in handy to anyone going up against Obama in 2012. We will need an effective communicator who can stand toe to toe with Obama’s eloquence.

This is very persuasive: the guy who could be the GOP’s savior is a guy that some other guy suggested, and “some news reports” say he’s kind of cool. President Obama’s eloquence can be matched by a guy known for standing up to SATAN (which is sort of like debating President Obama) in the TV adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand and also for picking up pubic hairs with tweezers on episodes of CSI:NY every week. Those acting skills would suit him well in debates with President Obama.

This is well thought through, and all on time for deadline!

Others suggested Gen. David Petraeus or Gen. Ray Odierno. Both have denied any interest in a run for office, but if their masterful management of Iraq is undermined in any way over the next four years, one could hope that they’d reconsider.

I understand: America is so much at war right now we should encourage the guys who are running the war effort to get out of the trenches and wander around the country for 3 years kissing babies and raising money.

Every day it seems more and more like the Daily Beast serves up articles that are not unlike the food you get on your cafeteria tray in a high-security prison (assuming you haven’t been put in solitary and are being forced to eat neutraloaf). They keep serving it up, and we keep wretching at it, but if we don’t keep going back the next day, the warden will send us to the infirmary on suspicion of staging a hunger strike and they’ll strap us down and stick a tube up our nose and start the glucose drip.