Blago claims “tragic hero” status in leaked bio

Remember that really annoying know-it-all in your introductory lit class in college? You know — the one mind-numbingly irritating dude who you secretly thought would purposefully cram allusions to Homer and Voltaire and Shakespeare into his soapbox epiphanies just to impress everyone with his reading list, rather than actually say something of value?

Expect the same from ousted Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich’s new book The Governor.  Chicago journalists were apparently able to buy it at a local bookstore, leaked well ahead of its official release date next week. And if the reviews are to  be believed, it reads like a nervous freshman overdosing on Red Bull and Spark Notes the night before a due date:

In his book “The Governor,” Blagojevich likens his downfall to a Shakespearean tragedy, suggesting his epic demise steals elements from “Othello,” “King Lear” and “Julius Caesar.” Ignoring no chance to tell readers how much he loves the people of Illinois and how wrongly accused he is, Blagojevich outlines the alleged betrayals, jealousies and family feuds that he says resulted in his impeachment and criminal indictment.

Rod Blagojevich as Othello and Uta Hagen as Desdemona, Theatre Guild Production, Broadway, 1943*

“And while you’re at it, you might as well throw in a little ‘Richard the Third,’ ” he writes. “Because when the story of my years as governor ends, I was left with neither a kingdom nor a horse. Or for that matter, even a car.”

And it’s not just Shakespeare’s protagonists with whom Blagojevich feels a connection. He compares himself to boxer Jake LaMotta, Theodore Roosevelt, Martha Stewart, George Bailey from “It’s a Wonderful Life” and the mythical figure Icarus, whose wings melted when he soared too close to the sun.

via Rod Blagojevich book blames others — chicagotribune.com

So let me get this right. In an attempt to gain sympathy, our notorious ex-gov chooses to compare himself to: 1) a tragic hero who murders his wife and then himself after taking some seriously bad advice from a duplicitous confidant, 2) an inept king who goes insane and dies after plunging his kingdom is into chaos after gross mismanagement; and 3) a notorious Roman emperor who made more enemies than friends and got knifed by his best bro. And that’s just the first three references from the above snippet.

Yeah, I’m guessing he only read the Spark Notes. (To be fair, though, I guess the Lear reference does make a little sense when you consider the post-Blago quagmire in which Illinois is now mired, although I’m sure that’s not what the gov meant when he dropped that allusion…)

"The Fall of Blagojevich." Peter Paul Rubens, 1636*

THEN, as though bungling both Shakespeare and state politics somehow weren’t enough, Blago turns his attention to Greek myth. As Tribune columnist John Kass points out, he butchers the Icarus reference when he “insists Icarus fell to the ground after flying too near the sun rather than into the sea.” Points off for not fact-checking that one.

And as though you couldn’t stand any more, let’s flash forward a few hundred years and stuff in some references to modern politicians too! It’ll go GREAT with the Lear reference:

“Maybe my head was so filled with wanting to be like Teddy Roosevelt and great men like him that I failed to see that some people around me were not motivated by the same things,” he writes.

via Blago on Blago: ‘Maybe God has a plan for me’ :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Mark Brown.

As I read these headlines today, I’m left with the voice of my high school English teacher ringing in my head–the very same teacher who inspired me to be a writer and changed my life forever when she suggested I join the staff of the school newspaper. Her basic advice to us was something like this: “I ate a lot of baloney in college, and had my fill. I won’t accept it in your essays.”

Being the butt of jokes nation-wide for the past six months, I think the people of Illinois have certainly had their fill of baloney in politics too. And I doubt they’ll accept it in Blago’s new book.

*P.S.: I hope by now you’ve realized that all the images and captions in this post have been altered (by me, with Photoshop, in the basement offices of my university newspaper) for comic effect and satire. All images originally from Wikimedia Commons.