Blago rolls out new site, impersonates Elvis. With Fabio. I respond with limericks.

“Welcome to GovernorRod.com Live!”

That’s the banner welcoming internet-land to shamed former Governor Rod Blagojevich’s brand-spanking new Web site. Right above where he calls himself a “champion for ordinary people.” Halfway down the page (and in the above video with Fabio. What?!) you can view his credentials as an Elvis impersonator — no joke. I think this merits some commentary:

The site advertises—nay, boasts!—that “he made history [history, people!] in August 2009 when he became the first former elected official still facing charges to be named host of his own radio show.”

First of all, when did anyone ever actively monitor that statistic? And by the way, “making history” is usually a phrase I understood as denoting achievements, not words to be flippantly bandied about if a public official  were to … oh, I don’t know … betray citizens’ trust by selling senate seats, shake down children’s hospitals for campaign contributions, and establish a vile pay-to-play system of governance — plunging a state government into utter chaos and shame all the while. And then host a radio show.

Second, I just can’t help but feel so sorry for the next poor schmuck/corrupt public official that tries to host his own gabfest while facing charges horrifying enough to make the ghosts of the Founding Fathers rise from their graves in search of vengeance. The poor guy will just have to settle with being number two. “So unoriginal,” listeners will say. “That was so August 2009.”

But, ever the optimist apparently, Blagojevich’s new site proudly proclaims that “he’s not holding back. He’s not playing politics or playing nice. He’s simply speaking his mind and telling the truth!”

In a portion of the site dedicated to highlighting controversial (their term: “Lightning Rod” issues), it says this: “The former governor is passionate about many issues. It just burns him to see politicians mislead or lie to the American public. And he loves to call them out whether it’s in Illinois or in Washington. These ‘Lighting Rod’ issues are often controversial. They’re topics that’ll get you talking and at times makes [sic] you mad!”

I don’t know whether to cry foul until my throat bleeds or impulsively copy-edit the shit out of this website. Ultimately, though, in honor *sarcasm* of our illustrious former governor and new media darling *more sarcasm* I, too, have decided to “not hold back.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, “Limericks to ‘Lightning Rod’”

Oh, Blago, you have a new site!/

Surely this, now, will make it all right./

Never mind all that the scandal,/

It can’t hold a candle/

To booking your Elvis impersonation for a Saturday night!

And OMG, I didn’t know u became besties with Speidi!!/

After leaving state government so … untidy./

But on an “unbearable” scale of one to seven,/

I think you’re all a solid eleven/

… so guess it’s a match made in heaven. Alrighty?

But I must say, the “Rod in the news!” section is lacking./

The webmaster must have been slacking./

Because there’s this, this and this,/

And this, this and this/

And I can provide a few more for the asking.

And finally…

When calling Obama’s senate seat while wiretapped “[bleeping] golden,” you must have misspoke,/

Because you’re obviously a “champion” for average folk./

Ha ha, that’s quite funny,/

What with selling out democracy to rake in the money./

This must be a big fucking joke.