AHHH! Power Rankings! AHHH!

Sorry, Tom, but your chest hair only ranks #9 in Grossman's Stream-of-Consciousness Power Rankings. Image via Wikipedia

Waking up this morning, I went through my usual gauntlet of espn.com, si.com and yahoosports.com. Just putting off the real world over my Cheerios. Ignorance is bliss.

Here’s what I greeted me: A litany of Power Rankings. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G is ranked according to that nebulous quality of “power.” In the interest of full disclosure, I just did the something similar, so I’m as much a problem. But my rankings had no pretensions to measuring pouvoir.

Sports Illustrated had NHL Power Rankings and NASCAR Power Rankings right next to each other in the featured columns space. For Dale Earnhardt’s sake, why the hell do we need power rankings for NASCAR? Isn’t that what the race is for? Here’s my Power Five: Kurt Busch, Denny Hamlin, Matt Kenseth, Mark Martin and Kevin Harvick. How’d I’d arrive at these results? Its the finish of the last Sunday’s Dickie’s 500, loyal readers.

Just below that, Richard Deitsch ran his Media Power Rankings. Uhhhhh …

And of course, this doesn’t include SI’s College Football Power Rankings (because we need another arbitrary ranking system in addition to the BCS, AP, Coaches,  and Harris polls), NBA Power Rankings (news flash America: the Jazz fell to 21st! Discuss!) and NFL Power Rankings, all posted within the last week and prominently displayed.  Makes you want to gouge your eyes out Oedipus-style.

Ah, and then there’s ESPN, long-time Lord of the Power Rankings. No need to endlessly link to all, but this made me freak out worse than Jack in “The Shining”: NBA Future Power Rankings. That’s right, ESPN can now rank the power of the future. I just axed my roommate.

Why “power?” What is this “power?” How can the Hornets (victims of a precipitous five-spot drop) get their power back? What’s the power secret of Bengals QB Carson Palmer?

Here’s my Stream-of-Consciousness Power Rankings: 1) My foot hurts.

2) I hate Jay Mariotti.

3) I’m tired.

4) In another life I’d be Tiger Woods’ kid.

5) Seal and Heidi Klum’s baby will be the most attractive person on earth in 20 years.

6) Scratch that, I’d be Seal’s baby … I could see Tiger being a demanding dad.

7) Is there a g[G]od?

Who is playing Journey downstairs this early in the morning?

9) If Dale Earnhardt’s mustache met Tom Selleck’s in a fight, Magnum PI’s chest hair would win.

10) I wonder if anybody read this far …