7 Reasons Why the Bulls Won’t Win the ‘09-’10 Finals

Robbie Steves was on to something. Image via Wikipedia

Two games in, and Chicago has a strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Deng. Opening night for the Bulls forward: 17 points, nine rebounds, 8-13 shooting. Next night: four points, five rebounds, 2-8 shooting.

Not coincidentally, the Bulls toppled highly-regarded San Antonio 92-85 with Dr. Jumper; next night, highly-regarded Boston shreds Chicago and Mr. Hide 118-90 .

The royal we have already related why the Bulls will win their seventh NBA championship this season. Now, for the skeptics out there, the top seven reasons why the Bulls won’t be celebrating in June.*

1. Lack of three-point shooting.

Maybe Chicago will miss Ben Gordon. The guy shot more often than Rambo, but he did connect on 41% of his treys last season. Through two games with his new team, Detroit, Gordon has made six 3s on 50% shooting.

His entire old team has made only five 3s through two games  … on 31 attempts. Ouch. Aside from Kirk Hinrich, and possibly John Salmons and Jannero Pargo — but they’re streakier than a Sigma Phi block party — no Bull’s range extends past 23 feet. The other day I found myself arguing on behalf of Brad Miller’s outside shot. adj: desperate.

2. Lack of inside scoring.

Because defenses can sag defensively (see reason #1), Chicago will need consistent production from the paint to avoid, I don’t know, game halves featuring 35 points.

Chicago’s failure to obtain a Boozeresque low post-threat stinks last summer something awful. Of course, so did trading away Elton Brand and LaMarcus Aldridge years ago.

Bulls big men aren’t scoring threats. Joachim Noah and Tyrus Thomas are more hustle than flow (you dig?). Taj Gibson looks promising but is still just a rookie. Aaron Gray can’t jump. Just the other day I found myself arguing on behalf of Brad Miller’s post game. adj: delusional.

3. John Salmons can only get worse.

The guy exploded last season: Career per-game highs in points (18.3, 5.8 more than his previous career mark), three-point shooting (42%) and free throw shooting (83%).

Some might say these facts just portend things to come. Some people also believe John Cusack.

Nos. 4-6. Tyrus Thomas.

Do not be fooled his early productivity.

7. ADD: Anti-D’Antoni Disorder.

Two games, a mere ten fast-break points. I don’t play a doctor on TV, but a team that can’t stick 3s or score in the paint will need consistent points somewhere.

* Unless Dwayne Wade promises to sign with them. Hey, and without fingers crossed, wise guy!