7 Reasons Why the Bulls Win the ‘09-’10 Finals

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Tonight the Bulls tip-off against San Antonio at eight central on TNT. Looking to build off their impressive, albeit one round playoff showing against Boston, “experts” predict the fighting Roses finishing anywhere from a four-seed this season to lottery for next season.

Preview articles never fail to crack me up. A) They’re about as reliable as a Bernie Madoff financial tip B) They’re about as predictable as The Passion of the Christ’s denouement. Same old picks, same old teams, same old mistakes. And I don’t care why the Bulls will finish in the middle of the pack — I want to know why or why not Chicago takes the rings. Simple.

Thus: Seven reasons (for its six NBA trophies + one forthcoming) why Vinny Del freaking Negro will become just the second coach in Chicago’s storied history to capture a championship. Repeat that sentence … Amazing, n’est-ce pas?

Oh, and for the Negative Nancys (or the realist Reillys, depending on one’s perspective) the Seven Reasons Why the Bulls Won’t Win the ‘09-’10 Finals are here. Y’all jerks.

Ah-em, and away we go …

1. Derrick Rose.

The guy did everything short of sell the concessions and wax the hardwood in his do-everything 20 ppg, 6 reb., 6 ass. playoff debut against fellow up-and-comer Rajon Rondo. The Bulls lost, but Rose actually gets along with his teammates and keeps much cooler friends. Advantage: Standard Achievement Testing, uh, Derrick.

2. Losing Ben Gordon is addition by subtraction.

[Inside Detroit's practice facility] Ben! Ben! I’m open! Look at me! Ben! Ben!

*Clank*

*Collective wailing and gnashing of teeth*

[Fozzie Bear] Waka Waka Waka! (Listen to the video at the end of this post to witness the first fruits of searching “Waka” x three on the YouTube. Listen long enough and you’ll immediately go to your nearest rave, armed with a deeper understanding of the NBA and a whole new perspective on the Muppets).

3. Vinny Del Negro can’t get worse.

Trust me, the Vinmeister will shrug off his first year jitters and become a fine head coach. Or a decent one. Or he’ll just let assistant Del Harris draw up all the plays …

4. Luol Deng is back.

Mind you, the dude averaged 12, 14, and 18 ppg in his first three seasons, respectively. If healthy, the English national is a mid-range jump-shooting machine. If Coach Cousin Vinny uses them right, Deng and John Salmons can be a pretty formidable perimeter scoring combination.

5. The elite aren’t so elite.

Here’s the bloody truth: the “upgrades” in the East aren’t perfect fixes.

The Defending East champs, Orlando, lost their primary ball-handler in clutch time and added a cat who hasn’t won this millenium.

Boston snatched Rasheed Wallace, but if he was actually as good as some claim Detroit would have another  championship or two. The jury’s still out on Kevin Garnett’s knee.

Cleveland acquired Jamario Moon and his lock-tight perimeter defense. But the Cavaliers started 0-2 this season for a number of reasons, notably the Shaq trade mistake. Remember, O’Neal’s four previous stops (Orlando, Los Angeles, Miami, and Phoenix) all ended bitterly — the Big Aristotle ain’t the great Big Brother that he claims to be.

The Greek leads in to number six …

6. The Lakers will win the west.

Aristotle said that a virtuous life is a mean between the poles of excess and deficiency.

Yet if LA is anything this year, it surely won’t be temperate. Lamar Odom’s new squeeze, Khloe Kardashian, doesn’t know Aristotle from Aston Martin. “Aristotle” is too long to be shaved into the side of Ron Artest’s dome. Expect a Finals meltdown.

7. Centers Brad Miller & Aaron Gray.

Luc Longley & Bill Wellington held down the post during the 90s heydays.

Now Brad Miller & Aaron Gray will command the paint.

Tell me that doesn’t give the NBA chills. Or this: