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Mar. 1 2010 - 2:38 am | 6,930 views | 1 recommendation | 8 comments

Why do bands perform so many lame songs, and is boy-girl sex finished?

The Coloured Idea Band of Sonny Clay arrives i...

Image by State Library of New South Wales collection via Flickr

At concerts, why do bands play a bunch of bullshit instead of the four songs you want to hear them play? — Juli in NYC.

Dear Juli,

It wasn’t always like this. Long ago, when people recognized that pop music was just a disposable diversion for horny children, the rock bands would perform nothing but the Hits — four, three, maybe even two songs. Then they’d get off the stage and another forgettable pop act would run onto stage and play a couple of songs and Good-Bye, the end.

The tragedy occurred when a few popular musical acts started making good, interesting music. They wrote songs that weren’t total embarrassments and recorded whole “LPs” full of original works with interesting and sometimes competent arrangements. Listeners were very excited about this development, and began taking powerful Brain Drugs to go along with the “experience.” These bands are all forgotten today, but we’re occasionally reminded of their existence by the video game Rock Band.

Unfortunately, today’s rock band is obligated to make entire albums (with bonus tracks) and perform two-hour live sets because some talented people did that once, twenty or forty years ago. And you, the person who just wants to hear the four good songs and have a few drinks and then get the hell out, you’re stuck with two-hour club shows full of lame-ass filler and ironic/inept covers. You probably even had to watch a couple of opening acts.

What to do? Never see a concert before that musical combo has made at least three (3) CDs or “iTunes albums” you like enough to listen to completely while cleaning your apartment or drinking alone until dawn — preferably both, during the same 24-hour cycle. If there’s a song or band you “kind of like,” just watch the video on YouTube and then go outside in the snow, because it’s beautiful out there.

Penis-in-vagina sex: Is it going out of fashion? I read with interest Sally Quinn’s recent column about her husband’s marriages, for instance, and they seem to have slowed down over the years. The marriages, I mean. I presume that he is marrying less often because he, like most Americans that I feel like I know although I do not, is growing ever-less interested in penis-in-vagina sex. Like with all the gay people, and “The Avatar.” Very truly, etc. — C. Sicha, New York City.

Dear Choire,

Everybody likes sex, in theory. But sex has many complications, such as children and terrible sex diseases. What to do? Most experts agree that avoiding the traditional male-female intercourse could reduce our population by as much as 100 percent.

With that goal in mind, more and more Americans and even people in other countries are expected to give up the penile-vaginal sexual act. It is for our own good, and even Sally Quinn maybe understands the crisis. But what will replace the traditional sex? Already, fast-food delivery services and cable/satellite companies are creating new diversions likely to make tomorrow’s couple never even consider fornication.

Gay people are helping the cause by not producing children. If you know any gay people there in New York, please give them a “high five,” care of Mother Earth.

Send your important questions to ask.layne@gmail.com. But if you have a REAL problem, call the police or something, as Ken Layne will not really help you at all. This is just a web page on the Internet.


Comments

3 T/S Member Comments Called Out, 8 Total Comments
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  1. collapse expand

    Are there any topics you will JUST NOT TOUCH?

  2. collapse expand

    Mr. Layne & Juli,

    I would not disagree with what you wrote as it is generally true (watch the entirely enjoyable movie “That Thing You Do” and one can see what an old style “Roch and Roll Show” was like which is nothing but top 40 hits). That having been said, there is an alternative, non-contradictory answer. There is the rare but wildly fantastic experience of hearing a song that is not a top 40 hit, that one has never heard before, that is actually really good.

  3. collapse expand

    Dear Mr Len Kayne,
    Can I take my Haiti munnies back and give them to Chile instead? Will Haiti be upset? It’s just that my friends all say Chile is a cooler disaster. Please advise me.

  4. collapse expand

    Are Youtube comments a fair reflection of humanity, or am I just a misanthropist?

  5. collapse expand

    Can you achieve the level of accuracy of Yahoo! Answers with this new service?

  6. collapse expand

    Next time you get a question like the one Juli In NYC asked please refer her to the totally fictional but absolutely true movie “Eddie and the Cruisers”

  7. collapse expand

    Dear Mr. Layne,
    Please reconsider using the word “lame” as a go to derogation. There are lame people who limp and wheel their way through this world. There is no need to behave like some goose stepping murderer to make your point. Find another word.

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    About Me

    Hello, friends. I am the author of the novel "Dignity" http://amzn.to/jSf6CF and write about the desert, houses, politics, our souls and other topical subjects. You can see my stuff at http://kenlayne.com or http://twitter.com/kenlayne .

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    Contributor Since: January 2009
    Location:Mojave Desert