Pick a disease, then eat for it
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We’re all going to die of something. Only a lucky few will be spared the “battle with X” or “long, courageous fight with Y” and instead enjoy the “instant death due to Z-related trauma” or – I wish – the “peacefully in her sleep while watching Seinfeld reruns.”
Decades of research have suggested a myriad of links between what we eat and what we’re more likely to suffer from. Lately, my Google Reader has been inundated with studies telling me which foods are more likely to trigger my diabetes risk, obesity gene or tumor-making factory. And I’m not just talking the obvious – processed foods, KFC, whatnot. It seems I’ve either got to pick a disease, and go with it, or starve myself. Which, according to several recent studies, might be the best way to live long and enjoy good health.
But for those who prefer to consume – and really, what do we do better than that? – a quick primer to help you tailor your dining habits to the illness of your choice.
For Alzheimer’s. Hummus lovers, take note. Red meat has been linked to dementia for a few years now, but a new study out of Temple suggests that beans and seeds might also cause high levels of homocysteine, which may be the trigger for memory-related ailments.
For angry bowels. They might not kill you, but chronically irritated bowels will certainly quell that zest for life you had when you were actually capable of digesting foods. A UK study published in July suggests a link between “healthy fats” (the polyunsaturated variety, mostly found in vegetable oils) and ulcerative colitis.
For Parkinson’s. A study following 130,000 men for nine years found a connection between their dairy consumption and rate of Parkinson’s Disease. The more milk, the bigger the risk. Results with women were ambiguous – but there’s still that endless does-dairy-mess-with-breasts debate to worry about.
For something exotic. If you’d like to stand out from your hospital bed-mates, try eating as much oversized, overripe, out-of-season produce as possible. Genetically modified foods may be linked to a unique ailment called Morgellon’s Disease. Symptoms include a feeling of crawling underneath the skin, fatigue and short-term memory loss.
For eternal life. True that. My own experience, as well as piles of research, indicates that coffee could actually be a lifesaver. It might be able to “reverse” Alzheimer’s, slash the risk of Parkinson’s and keep your ticker ticking.
…Unless you’re really, really worried about Arthritis, I’d say that all research on life extension and disease prevention points to the Coffee Diet. But remember to keep it black: no cream (Parkinson’s) and definitely no sugar.
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By my calculations, I’m setting a good pace to get at least three of these. As for the eternal life – I don’t drink that much coffee, and when I do, there’s certainly milk in it.
And I agree – passing on while watching a Seinfeld re-run sounds pretty damn good to me.
I’m sure we’re all on pace to get ‘em – I’m starting to have a hard time finding something to eat that hasn’t been linked to some kind of ailment. And calorie-restriction dieting is not an option.
My Seinfeld death episode pick: Kramer’s technicolor dream coat.
yes, it seems everything I eat is either going to kill me or was killed in a horrible way. I made the mistake last week of watching Food Inc. before making dinner… which meant that I basically ate guilt.
In response to another comment. See in context »as for my preferred Seinfeld death episode. I feel like going with ‘The Switch’ this morning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_vQNwIR0Pw
Luckily caffeine seems to counteract Parkinson’s- with my family history, it makes me feel better about the 5-6 cups a day I typically take in.
K
ramer’s technicolor for me runs behind Waiting In Line at the Chinese Restaurant, whatever the real title was. I’m also a longtime fan of the Soup Nazi. But “No soup for you” would be an awful last thing to hear on this earth.
Of course, Katie, all these food cures and killers will soon be reversed, with the next study released!
Exactly — which is why I’ll have a job for years to come!
If beans and seeds lead to Alzheimer’s Disease…I’m not going to remember my name by next week!
Interesting article…
Good post. I love red meat and milk by the way. And veggies with lots of butter and salt.
My Seinfeld: (love the Bizarro idea and the twist at the end (with the photo on the ground))
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bizarro_Jerry
….Later, George takes Jerry to the location of the club, but all they find is a meat packing plant. George is shocked while Jerry doesn’t believe there ever was a club there. As they leave, they miss seeing the photo George had taken from a magazine, lying amidst the sawdust on the ground….
Rob — if you aren’t dead of food-related ailments by now — Bizarro Jerry is a good way to go, for sure. Good pick.
…And thanks to everyone for turning this post into a mini-Seinfeld tribute.