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Nov. 24 2009 - 4:47 pm | 4,184 views | 0 recommendations | 10 comments

There’s no way Taylor Lautner’s not on steroids

Come on.

This kid is 17 years old, and says he gained 30 pounds of muscle in less than a year by “putting something in his mouth” every two hours. And while most people were making annoying sex jokes following that faux-pas on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, I was all “Mmhmm. You doping, boy.”

My proof, short of inspecting the kid’s arm for track marks:

1. According to research, teens who use steroids often engage in other high-risk behaviors, like “drinking and driving, carrying a gun…driving a motorcycle without a helmet.” Here’s a picture of Taylor Lautner engaging in some high-risk, helmet-free motorcycling through a body of water.

taylorlautner

2. No matter how many crunches you do, or how much fat you lose, abdominal definition is mostly determined by genes. Unless you resort to “alternative” means of muscle gain. Here’s a recent picture of Taylor Lautner and his dad. Sure, Pappa Lautner might be hiding a six-pack under there – he could be hiding alot under there – but until we can be sure, this is Drummond: 1, Lautner Family: 0.

taylorlautner1

3. Anyone who knows anything about strength training knows that it takes around two months to notice moderate physical changes, and 1-2 pounds of muscle mass a week is pretty much the max, no matter how hard you work. New Moon started filming in late March of 2009, and Lautner had packed on the pounds well before then. A shot of him before and (less than a year) after:

taylor-lautner-transformation-500x423

Too bad he got sucked into the “big-is-in” men’s fitness trend. But I’m more worried about his fans, and that cute little Taylor Swift: steroid abuse is associated with cystic acne, blinding rage and shrunken testicles. Give it a few months, TSquared. Things are about to get a lot less sexy.


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  1. collapse expand

    Finally someone else says it. If he’s not ‘roiding, I’d like to know how he did it…

  2. collapse expand

    ok first smart one that first picture is from the MOVIE why would he spend time riding a motorcycle down a beach when he has a bunch of other stuff to do??!!!get ur facts right if ur gonna be a hater!!and SECOND my dad is pretty big but my brother is jacked so dont judge people based on their family!!! taylor lautner is a good kid and he wouldnt degrade himself to using steroids.He got a personal trainer and worked out everyday and ate lots and lots of protein shakes. TEAM TAYLOR!<3

  3. collapse expand

    I think he did it in about 8 months, right? I’m 6′1″ and I went from 180 to 207 in 6 months by lifting two hours every morning, drinking protein powder shakes like water, eating a ton and I took creatine the first month. 4,000 calories a day helped me put on the weight quickly. My bodyfat only went up 3 percent, too… from 9% to about 12.5%.

    I wouldn’t blame it all on steroids for this Twilight kid. Remember Morgan Spurlock put on about 20lbs in one month just eating all that McDonald’s! Haha.

  4. collapse expand

    I just can’t believe that a 16-year-old goes from a to b so quickly. But the post was more tongue-in-cheek than anything…I guess.

    Man, I’ve been through the 4K-a-day thing. It was…gastrointestinally fascinating.

  5. collapse expand

    since when did lying become a part of journalism?
    a) if you are gonna distort facts, dont put pictures that contradict yourself. or at least investigate where the picture came from. that picture is from the Rolling Stone photoshoot. they gave him a bike and he got on it so that they could take cool looking photos(he isnt even riding it, cause you know, when you ride a bike on wet sand clusters of sand fly everywhere). if we take pictures from photoshoots as granted then we would have to think, for example, that mark wahlberg is into zoofilia: http://slog.thestranger.com/files/2008/06/mark2.jpg
    b)have you seen pictures of him when he was younger (yes you have in fact in point C ill go over this again). he already had an athletic built from the martial art training he did. and you talk about genetic making it sound like it affects your lifestyle decisions. his father is prone to gain weight easily. if he doesnt exercise than he’ll get overweight. taylor exercised. and his mother is slim. unless you are a certified biologist dont talk about genetics. cause youll end making a fool of yourself.
    c)as i said earlier, you have seen pictures of taylor when he was younger(thus rendering point b obsolete and retarded) because what you labeled under “taylor 2008″ is a picture of taylor on the Sahara premiere. if my memory serves me right, that movie was made what? in 2005? 2009-2005=4, 17-4=13 (implied facepalm and duh). and if you found the photos from Sahara premiere, then you would have also stumbled upon a photo like this:
    http://www.taylorphotos.org/displayimage.php?pid=918&fullsize=1
    oh look, her mother must have breastfeeded him steroids. i mean what? he has 13 there. he doesnt have gens to build up abs at all.
    so basically, bashing at celebrities is an easy way for someone who lacks reporter skills to write an article, but even so, just in case, check your facts =)

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