The Chavez Diet: ‘There are lots of fat people’ in Venezuela

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Yesterday, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez proclaimed, during a televised speech, that the citizens of his nation needed to drop and give him twenty.

But seriously. Chavez has announced that “”there are lots of fat people” in Venezuela, and advised his supporters to get fit and eat well to trim the chub. He went on to demonstrate why politicians are not, and should not try to be, personal trainers. Allow me to explain:

1. “I’m not saying fat women, because they never get fat,” he added. “Women sometimes fill out.”

Okay, so only men ought to be prepping their bodies for the looming Bolivarian revolution? Whatever Chavez means by “get fat” (he doesn’t specify), I’m pretty sure women do “come down with” the condition of, you know, “fatness” or whatever. To suggest otherwise is just condescending, and turns women into some sort of pinch-able, inflatable sex objects. This might be the first time I’ve plead for equal opportunity fat-labeling, but come on! Fat deposits are fat deposits. And who’s he even trying to kid? Chavez is divorced (twice!), so it’s not like he’s got a self-conscious wife to appease in his televised weight-loss speeches.

2. “Doing sit ups,” he advised, as a sound means of fitness and weight loss.

Actually, no. Sit ups won’t yield weight loss or target the fat deposits of the abdomen. Just read the desperate pleas of this young fella: he’s been doing 1,000 sit-ups a day for over a year, and still complains of a “spare tire” around his mid-section. Unfortunately, Chavez and co., you can’t decide where your body is going to store excess fat, and for men, the likeliest spot is in the belly. If Chavez wants a nation of lean and mean revolution machines, he ought to advocate plenty of cardio and less sodium, to reduce bloating. Did someone mistake Chavez for a pregnant woman? Dude, I’ve been there. Move on.

3. Chavez suggested rice pasta instead of spaghetti made from wheat, and recommended drinking soy milk, saying soy products help fight aging.

I beg to differ. First of all, rice pasta tends to be sticky and flavorless – just the kind of thing that’ll send you, and your unhappy taste buds, to the fridge for a few slices of cake. Plus, the pasta is low in fiber, so you won’t be satiated for long. And, calorie for calorie, rice pasta has around the same as a serving of wheat spaghetti. As Hugo should know, calories-in and calories-out is the magic formula for weight loss.

As for the soy, be careful, Hugo. Although the soy-causes-boobs myth has been largely debunked, lots of soy will still bump up estrogen levels in men. Just ask Jeremy Piven. Do you really want a bunch of Jeremy Pivens at war with Columbia? I’m not sure if soy also causes douchebaggery, mercury poisoning and relentless club-hopping, but why risk it?