Daily Dosage: Viagra’s unsexy secret powers

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Viagra: the little blue pill is everywhere. Last week, officials in Malaysia confiscated 900 boxes of Viagra-laced coffee, designed to give drinkers an “extra jolt” in their morning brew. And a posh British ice cream company has just introduced “The Sex Pistol” – an herbal-infused frozen dessert that they liken to “a shot of Viagra in a frosty glass.”

Sure, it’ll give your older lover a much-needed boost in the lovemaking department. But there are a myriad of other reasons for the pill’s booming popularity. Because really, who are we kidding? In 2007, Viagra sales topped $1.76 billion worldwide. At around $10 a pop, that’s 3.5 million old, erectionally-challenged men getting laid every single week for a year.

I don’t think so.

A few good reasons for everyone to start stockpiling America’s favorite Pfizer prescription:

1. It’ll kill your jet lag. In 2007, Argentinian researchers tested the potential for Viagra to alleviate symptoms of jet lag in hamsters. The drug raises levels of cGMP, a molecule that speeds the brain’s adjustment to internal clock upheaval. Of course, with a side effect list that could include “long-lasting erection,” traveling business fellers should probably just go with coffee and a quick nap upon arrival at their destination.

2. A secret wartime weapon. Researchers at Stanford collaborated with the Department of Veterans Affairs to determine whether Viagra could enhance soldier performance by boosting their endurance levels in high-altitude regions of Afghanistan. Grueling effort in high altitude causes blood vessel constriction and reduced lung capacity, making terrorist-chasing a real slog. Since Viagra’s designed to help inner workings expand and all, it relaxes the functions that allow soldiers to be the best they can be.

3. It could save your dying baby. Last week, news broke that infant Owen Bloomfield was being kept alive despite multiple fatal birth defects – thanks to our favorite impotence drug. Owen was born with his stomach in his chest, a hole in his heart and a rare lung disorder. Docs tried Viagra as a last shot, attempting to alleviate his pulmonary hypertension. And voila – Owen is expected to survive, and may have to take Viagra for the rest of his life. That’ll be an awkward puberty.

4. You’ll set a new PR. Well, at least for now. Viagra’s on the verge of being banned from competitive sports, after research determined that it could enhance endurance and athletic performance by increasing oxygen capacity. A German study in 2004 concluded that Mount Everest climbers had increased exercise ability at 17,200 feet in the air when taking Viagra. And pro cyclist Andrea Moletta was busted with 82 Viagra caplets in his car last year, although he claimed they weren’t for doping. So either Andrea Moletta is a liar, or he’s impotent. Tough call.

5. It’ll restore a wilting bud. And that’s not a synonym for penis. A smidgen of Viagra mixed into water will revive dying plants by increasing their uptake of nutrients and reabsorbing nitrogen from soil. Compared to a rocking sex life, that’s a pretty big yawn in most books, Extreme Self included. But apparently some ladies and gents will actually pay $10 per pill to better their gardens. Either that, or the divorce was final and they didn’t want to let the prescription go to waste.