Daily Dosage: Why KFC and co. are stone-cold killers

The face of a killer?

Yesterday, fast food fans were in a tizzy over the potentially fatal side effects of their twelve-piece bucket habit. The family of a 10-year-old girl is suing KFC for unsanitary cooking practices, after their daughter suffered salmonella poisoning and subsequent brain damage – apparently because of a chicken sandwich she ate at the chain.

According to insiders, employees at this particular KFC location would use chicken they’d dropped on the floor, and frequently traded cooking stations without washing their hands – leading to cross-contamination of the tasty treats they served up to customers.

If you eat at KFC and are surprised that the 16-year-old behind the counter might be using dirty hands to deep-fry your wings, then I shake my head at you, in all your cursed naivete, for obviously never having worked in the food service industry. As a teen, I was employed at Canada’s favorite donut shop for three years – and played more than a few games of Donut Hole Bowling on the restaurant floor.

But I was hardly as shameful as some fast-food companies and staffers. My three favorite incidents of fast-food filth this morning:

1993 – Jack in the E.coli – Four kids died, and thousands of Americans fell violently ill, after eating contaminated meat at several locations. The company teetered on bankruptcy, but was revived thanks to those lame ads with the ping-pong ball-headed CEO. That’s all it takes to get off the hook for murder? Well. Now I know.

2005 – The cheeky cheeseburger – McDonalds, the fast food king of sandwich infestation, is at it again, and this time getting downright dirty. An Ohio woman found a pornographic keychain, depicting two people “in a sex act,” in her burger at a local franchise. Funny. But only because she didn’t choke to death.

2006 – The “I wish it was me” incident – Two Burger King employees were sued for sprinkling marijuana onto burger patties. Seriously dumb way to use up your drugs, dudes. But if you’re gonna get screwed by a fast-food restaurant, this is probably the way to go.