The Miraculous Metabolism Marketing Ploy

A miraculous way to drop $25.95

“Do you keep gaining weight, despite your efforts to diet? Do the pounds accumulate around your tummy? Do you feel tired, irritable, and unable to focus? If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you may be one of the millions who have Metabolism B”

Metabolism what? For those who didn’t know (including pretty much all dieters, non-dieters, doctors and registered dietitians), human metabolisms can now be parsed into two distinct categories. The A-Listers are those who can eat all they want and never gain an ounce, and the B-Team are all the dissatisfied fatties out there, so desperate to drop a size that they’ll actually fall for a gimmick called The Metabolism Miracle.

It’s the title of a new book by Diane Kress, a registered dietitian and “obesity expert” based in New Jersey. Kress claims that after 20 years of experience, she’s realized that 45 percent of her clients can’t lose weight – no matter what. After an in-depth analysis of their nutritional intake, lifestyle and medical history, she determined that these poor saps suffered from a group of genes identified as Metabolism B.

But what could they do about it? Well, for starters, they could buy her new book and live according to its “life-changing, revolutionary and science based” adages. Which include eating high-quality carbohydrates and getting exercise. On her website, Kress shares that “writing this book is now the single most exciting and rewarding experience of my life and career.” I guess I’d also be excited to break revolutionary ground by discovering the benefits of nutrition and exercise, and sharing them with a world of clueless sufferers. And, you know, having the bestselling diet book on the market – and raking in millions in royalties – wouldn’t hurt either.

But how can you know if you are one of the 45 percent of genetically-doomed Metabolic B sufferers? Kress offers an online checklist. Symptoms include:

A late-afternoon energy slump

Cravings for chips, chocolate and other junk food

A decline in sex drive

Irritability and mild depression

In other words, if you are anyone between the ages of 25 and 65, and do not live in an igloo somewhere in the Arctic tundra, you are doomed to a life of morbid obesity, and should probably pick up this book. Yet another winner to line your bookshelf of self-loathing.