Celebrate summer with sauerkraut, salvia and sex

Summer: a season for sauerkraut

Summer is upon us, bringing thoughts of smoothies on the patio and strolls along the beach. Right, if you’re totally lame.

How about a more extreme summer in 2009? Personally, I try to add a little bit of oomph to my vacation months: last year, I walked across every bridge from Manhattan to Brooklyn. And back. This summer, I’m competing in an outdoor women’s boxing tournament (and no, it’s not happening in a kiddie pool of Jell-O – that’s not my kind of extreme). Five suggestions to take your hot and sweaty season up a notch:

1. Stuff yourself with sauerkraut. As the daughter-in-law of German immigrants, I know that it wouldn’t be summer without sauerkraut. And as a red-white-and-blue American, I also know that it wouldn’t be summer without an eating contest. Combine the best of both at Sauerkraut Days, held across the U.S. in late-June. In Henderson, MN, the first person to gobble 2lbs of sauerkraut wins. Or do they?

2. Get an enema – while you eat. It’s often so hot in the summer months, I can’t stand the steam of a brewed cup of java. But I’ve never considered shoving it up my behind – until now. Coffee enemas are growing in popularity, because the caffeine is supposed to stimulate intestinal muscles for greater toxin release than those oh-so-passé saline solutions. At the Santa Monica Colonics and Hydrotherapy Spa, colonic experts will cleanse your colon and offer up a light, presumably caffeine-free lunch.

3. Re-toxify with a (legal) drug binge. Nothing beats a hot summer night, tripped up and running amok naked but for a cape and a hat made out of a paper bag. Until you get arrested for drug possession (unless they grab you for public nudity first). This summer, take a “stay-cation” with salvia. Everyone’s favorite legal hallucinogenic is back in style, but maybe not for long: the DEA considers salvia a “substance of interest” and may soon classify it as a Schedule I drug, akin to pot and LSD.

Folsom Festival's smallest S&M fan

4. Heal thyself, addict. If you’d rather not visit your doctor to cure whatever diseases or enema-and-drug-binge-related ailments you’ve accumulated, why not take it upon yourself to be the doctor? At the Annapurna Center for Self Healing in Port Townsend, WA, they’ll provide the means – and the power of your positive thinking provides the medicine. The $500 weekend healing retreat includes all-raw meals, colon hydrotherapy (busy colon this summer!) and unlimited time in the Turkish sauna.

5. Send off summer with an STD. Put on your favorite fetish attire and have sex with strangers at San Fran’s Folsom Street Fair. It’s the largest fetish event in the world, with over 400,000 participants each year. For a suggested donation of $7, you’ll enjoy a weekend of live music, sexy vendors booths and plenty of food and drink (I’m assuming whipped topping is involved). And bring the kids! The Fair doesn’t have age restrictions, so indulge the tots in a little sex education before school kicks off for the year.