What Is True/Slant?
275+ knowledgeable contributors.
Reporting and insight on news of the moment.
Follow them and join the news conversation.
 

Feb. 12 2010 - 12:54 pm | 489 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments

Take the Tea Party Pledge!

BTW, this is considered satire, unless, of course, you take it seriously.

The Teabagger Socialist-Free Purity Pledge

I, ________________________________, do solemnly swear to uphold the principles of a socialism-free society and heretofore pledge my word that I shall strictly adhere to the following:

I will complain about the destruction of 1st Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 1st Amendment Rights.

I will support the right of any and all multi-national corporations to exercise their 1st Amendment rights to spend as much money as they possibly can to undermine my individual rights.

I will complain about the destruction of my 2nd Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 2nd Amendment rights by legally but brazenly brandishing unconcealed firearms in public.

I will forswear the time-honored principles of fairness, decency, and respect by screaming unintelligible platitudes regarding tyranny, Nazi-ism, and socialism at public town halls.

Also. I pledge to eliminate all government intervention in my life. I will abstain from the use of and participation in any socialist goods and services including but not limited to the following:

  • Social Security
  • Medicare/Medicaid
  • State Children’s Health Insurance Programs (SCHIP)
  • Police, Fire, and Emergency Services
  • US Postal Service
  • Roads and Highways
  • Air Travel (regulated by the socialist FAA)
  • The US Railway System
  • Public Subways and Metro Systems
  • Public Bus and Lightrail Systems
  • Rest Areas on Highways
  • Sidewalks
  • All Government-Funded Local/State Projects (e.g., see Iowa 2009 federal Senate appropriations). This means every single road that is not a toll road is off limits to my use.
  • Public Drinking Water and Sewer Services (goodbye socialist toilet, shower, dishwasher, kitchen sink, outdoor hose!)
  • Public and State Universities and Colleges
  • Public Primary and Secondary Schools
  • Sesame Street
  • Publicly Funded Anti-Drug Use Education for Children
  • Public Museums
  • Libraries
  • Public Parks and Beaches
  • State and National Parks
  • Public Zoos
  • Unemployment Insurance
  • Municipal Garbage and Recycling Services
  • Treatment at Any Hospital or Clinic That Ever Received Funding From Local, State or Federal Government (pretty much all of them)
  • Medical Services and Medications That Were Created or Derived From Any Government grant or research Funding (again, pretty much all of them)
  • Socialist Byproducts of Government Investment Such as Duct Tape, heart monitors/defibrillators and Velcro (Nazi-NASA Inventions)
  • Use of the Internet, email, and networked computers, as the DoD’s ARPANET was the basis for subsequent computer networking
  • Foodstuffs, Meats, Produce and Crops that were grown with, fed with, raised with or that contain inputs from crops grown with government subsidies.

If a veteran of the government-run socialist US military, I will forgo my VA benefits and insist on paying for my own medical care.

I will not tour socialist government buildings like the Capitol in Washington, D.C.

I pledge to never take myself, my family, or my children on a tour of the following types of free-admission/taxpayer subsidized socialist locations, including but not limited to:

  • Smithsonian Museums such as the Air and Space Museum or Museum of American History
  • The socialist Washington, Lincoln, FDR, and Jefferson Monuments
  • The government-operated Statue of Liberty
  • The Grand Canyon and all national/state/regional/local parks, forests and monuments
  • The socialist World War II, Korean and Vietnam Veterans Memorials in every town
  • The government-run socialist-propaganda location known as Arlington National Cemetery
  • All other public-funded socialist sites, whether it be in my state or in Washington, DC. This also includes Post Offices, fire departments, police departments, public schools, libraries and zoos.

I will urge my Member of Congress and Senators to forgo their government salary and government-provided health care.

If I qualify for any Medicare, Medicaid or VA benefits, I will forgo them as well and will pay for the full, private-sector costs of my care.

If such private-sector health care throws me and my family into bankruptcy, I will not avail myself of the socialist court system to protect my assets.

I will boycott the products of socialist defense contractors such as GE, Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, Raytheon, Humana, FedEx, General Motors, Honeywell, and hundreds of others that are paid by our socialist government to produce goods for our socialist army.

I will protest socialist security departments such as the Pentagon, FBI, CIA, NSA, Department of Homeland Security, TSA, Department of Justice and their socialist employees. If I am the victim of a crime, I will forgo the services of all publicly supported police departments.

If I’m thrown out of my job, I will not file for socialist unemployment assistance.

Upon reaching eligible retirement age, I will tear up my socialist Social Security checks. If I’m permanently disabled, I will refuse all benefits from this agency, Medicare, Medicaid or the VA. If I am mentally disabled and financially indigent, I will not accept Medicaid reimbursement for my nursing home care.

I will not participate in the government-subsidized banking system and refuse to obtain a government-guaranteed mortgage, open a FDIC-backed savings or checking account or any account whatsoever with the government-subsidized private institutions such as Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, Citicorp, Bank of America, et al that received more than $12 trillion in government bailouts. I will not use credit cards nor obtain lines of credit from any institution receiving TARP funds.

I will not purchase a government-subsidized auto from GM or Chrysler (Fiat) or get an auto loan through GMAC or any other government-subsidized bank.

Most of all, I will not use any government-subsidized product made of petroleum, corn, soybeans or cotton nor any electricity generated by government subsidized coal, nuclear fuel or hydroelectric resources. (to quote that hippie songwriter Paul Simon, “hello darkness my old friend…”)

SWORN ON A BIBLE AND SIGNED THIS DAY OF ____________ IN THE YEAR 2010

Do you think I would refuse to sign any of this pledge? To quote Sarah Palin, “you betcha!”


Comments

2 Total Comments
Post your comment »
 
  1. collapse expand

    I like this. Good satire. But “I…heretofore pledge”? No–usage problem. John, you must mean “hereby pledge,” oui?

Log in for notification options
Comments RSS

Post Your Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment

Log in with your True/Slant account.

Previously logged in with Facebook?

Create an account to join True/Slant now.

Facebook users:
Create T/S account with Facebook
 

My T/S Activity Feed

 
     

    About Me

    I'm an econologista. I look at the intersection between personal and systems ecology and economics. I've written 13 books, countless columns and articles and speak widely.

    See my profile »
    Followers: 8
    Contributor Since: November 2009
    Location:Prairie Crossing, Illinois