8 Things Blamed on Michael Jackson’s Death
On June 28, an Ohio woman set fire to a bar’s bathroom and blamed it on stress relating to the death of Michael Jackson. Two months after the Gloved One’s premature demise (now ruled a homicide!), here’s a look back on eight other recent events that can now be chalked up to the same reason.
1. The success of Transformers 2
So it had nothing to do with Megan Fox’s breasts, after all. No, now it can be revealed that people flocked to see the stillborn that is Transformers 2 because they were so stressed out about Michael Jackson’s death. And we’re talking major stress, too – $201 million in tickets were sold in the five days following the tragedy alone!
2. Sarah Palin’s resignation
Born in 1964, Palin was practically raised on Michael Jackson’s music. So it’s hardly a surprise that on July 3, the former vice-presidential hopeful announced her decision to resign as the governor of Alaska. “I’m not wired to operate under the same old politics as usual,” she said. Left unspoken: “I’m not wired to operate with all this stress relating to the death of Michael Jackson.”
3. The sale of Magglio Ordonez’s hair
On June 25, the day before Michael Jackson’s death, Detroit Tigers slugger Magglio Ordonez chopped off his signature locks and put the shorn hair up for bid on eBay. Strangely, that had nothing to do with stress relating to the death of Michael Jackson. Yet ten days later, on July 4, a fan submitted a winning bid of $6,100. For a goddamn wad of hair. This has “Michael Jackson stress” written all over it.
4. Paula Abdul’s departure from American Idol
As she herself wrote/tweeted on her Twitter page on August 5: “With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL.” The sadness in her heart that she cryptically alludes to? Stress relating to the death of Michael Jackson.
5. This horny kid’s gross obsession with Vanessa Hudgens’s boobs
On August 5, a pubescent YouTube user named DaPhamily posted this lascivious video about recently released nude photos of High School Musical actress Vanessa Hudgens. As you will see, he’s totally just acting out due to stress relating to Michael Jackson’s death.
6. Patricia Heaton’s stinkbomb appearance on Millionaire
Last week, actress Patricia Heaton couldn’t perform a second-grade math problem as a guest contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. When Regis Philbin makes you look as intelligent as a box of ham, you must be seriously stressed out about something. Could it be Michael Jackson’s death? Ask the audience.
7. Nouriel Roubini’s prediction of a double-dip recession
On Monday, New York University professor and gloomy economic pundit Nouriel Roubini became so stressed out by the death of Michael Jackson that he predicted a double-dip recession. After making the unwanted announcement, the so-dubbed Dr. Doom did the best moonwalk of his life, followed it up with one of those sweet leg kick/raises MJ made famous in numerous videos, and then tried in vain to explain to people like me what the heck a double-dip recession even is.
8. Cash for Clunkers fail
Like many other sentimental car owners, my friend Dave refused to trade in his precious, gas-guzzling 1994 Buick LeSabre at any point during the Cash for Clunkers program, which ran from July 24 to August 24. This can now be chalked up to continued stress relating to the death of Michael Jackson, and not, as he told me, because he could never get rid of the car he lost his virginity in.