Sickest Fans in America, Week 2

Which football fans are sicker than Tara Reid after a night of binge drinking?

Pittsburgh Steelers. 2008’s most dominant defense has given up four consecutive fourth quarter tying or go-ahead touchdowns, going back to Super Bowl XLIII. Do they miss Troy Polamalu that much? Is it just a run of bad luck? Or is it something more insidious? Did they get old in a hurry? One certain thing is that the 2008 Steelers draft class got worthless in a hurry. Rashard Mendenhall (1st round) practiced so poorly heading into the Bengals game that he didn’t even make it out onto the field for the 23-20 loss, as his draft-mate, Limas Sweed (2nd round), dropped an easy touchdown on a whale of a pass from Ben Roethlisberger. Sweed will be starting his new career modeling official NFL sideline apparel this week. Meanwhile, the Steelers defense has to try to get back on track against Philip Rivers, who is averaging roughly 30-jillion passing yards per game so far.

Miami Hurricanes. It’s hard for me to type while I’m giggling so hard about the waxing that the U took at the hands of the Hokies. Suffice it to say that those who said Miami (of Florida) was back were a tad premature. Just remember, Donna Shalala, it’s all about the U.

Florida Gators. Yeah, yeah, still ranked number one and all that jazz, but anybody who has suffered even a mild concussion knows that it takes anywhere from two to four weeks to stop bawling like an adolescent girl watching “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.” That can’t be a good thing for a football player. Urban Meyer needs Tim Tebow and he needs him to be clear-headed.

San Francisco 49ers. I don’t know what kinds of expectations Bay area fans had coming in to this season, but nothing takes away the searing pain of this kind of last-minute heart-breaking loss. Particularly when the Niner defense held the Unstoppable Adrian Peterson under 100 yards on the day. And while we’re here, let me just post this open letter to Brett Favre:

Dear Brett,
Perhaps love means never having to say you’re sorry, but football means frequent apologies. So, I’m sorry. I doubted you. I went with the cool crowd, followed the rabble who disparaged your diminishing skills, questioned your ego, and snarked about your waffling. But I will brush them all aside now, drown them out by pointing to this game. No, not the sick buzzer beater pass to the back millimeter of the end zone, but the pass you fired from your own goal line to Bernard Berrian, after which you raced downfield to get in the mix and throw a block for your receiver. It was, in a word, magnificent.
Before the Purple Reign of the artist formerly known as a Packer is all over, I’m sure you’ll throw some terrible, dagger through the heart types of lollipop interceptions this season. It’s a certainty, in fact. So when you do, I promise to refrain from saying, ‘I told you so.’ Even if I have to use a ‘Pulp Fiction’ type ball-gag to keep my yap shut.

Washington Redskins. The 2009 team will always be remembered for giving the Detroit Lions their first win since December of 2007. And looking utterly inert in so doing. Just goes to show that it doesn’t matter if it’s Joe Gibbs, Jim Zorn, the old ballcoach or even Zombie George Allen on the sidelines, the big problem is in the owner’s box.

Penn State. Nittany Lions fans, pay no attention to the internet rumor that Penn State is leaving the Big 10. Even though, you have to admit, it would be nice to avoid an annual disappointment at the hands of Iowa. And I can assure you with absolute certainty that JoePa did not say, “Hell with the Big 10! State College isn’t even in the midwest anyway!” (Even though that would be true.) Another season, another precipitous fall from the Top 5.

Carolina Panthers. Well, Panthers fans should have been sick all off-season, reliving the Jake Delhomme playoff performance in all it’s Dorian Gray-like grotesqueness, all while watching the off-season tick by as the Panthers stood pat at quarterback. No moves in the draft, nor in free agency. Now the Carolina Panthers depth chart looks like this at QB: Jake (You Never Know When I’m Going to Have Another Six Turnover Day) Delhomme, Matt Moore and A.J. Feeley. Carolina fans have to be counting down the days to the Coach Cowher era, don’t they?

Cleveland Browns. The Browns have scored a total of 29 points in three games. Which wouldn’t be so bad if they had the 1985 Bears defense out there. But they don’t. They’ve allowed 95 points in that same stretch. This week, coach “007″ Mangini pulled Brady Quinn in favor of Derek Anderson during the Browns beat down at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens. Now, he is rewarding Anderson for his three interception performance by starting him for this week’s game against the resurgent Bengals. But don’t tell anybody who’s starting because it’s super secret.