Sickest Football Fans in America

Having digested several weeks worth of football, there are some pretty sick fans out there. And by “sick,” I don’t mean “ill,” or rather “dope,” which is to say good or well. I mean sick like having eaten some bad mussels before a bumpy six hour bus ride, or realizing that the tow-truck at the end of your block is pulling away with your car. Not that I would know anything about either of those scenarios. Without further ado, these have to be the Sickest Fans in America:

Dallas. Sunday night, I thought I turned on a football game, but it was actually an infomercial for the world’s greatest stadium. Palace was the word used most often, actually. But at the end, the New York Giants were victorious, as Cowboys owner and palace ringmaster Jerry Jones made his, “I would look more upset, but I can’t actually emote because of all the botox” face. As my buddy Smiley says, it doesn’t matter how much money Jerr’Jones spends on his playpen, as long as he has Wade Phillips is on the sidelines, the result is not going to change. Personally, I’m thrilled that I get to watch another network gush all over themselves about Jerry’s new palace again this Monday. Did you know there’s a big video screen there?

Cleveland. The Browns are 0-2. They lost those games by a total of 35 points. I do not believe in moral victories, but even if I did, there are none for the Browns. Is it possible the playoffs are out of reach after just two weeks of play? Those fans who realize that Romeo Crennel was not the worst problem in Cleveland last year could use a bottle of Pepto-Bismol; those who haven’t figured that out could use a clue.

Michigan State. What could have been going through Kirk Cousins’ head when he tossed that errant, ornately-wrapped, perfume-scented present for Kyle McCarthy to pick off? Even worse, two plays earlier, he badly overthrew Larry Caper in the endzone when the closest Notre Dame student to Caper was the second tuba in the school band. Nauseating.

Miami. Does anybody know when Andy Reid started running the Dolphins’ two-minute drill? With nearly 3:20 left to play, Miami moved through their hurry up offense like a gaggle of sick manatees.
And oh, Ted Ginn. Nice draft pick, Cam. I’ll leave it a that.

USC. Okay, their fans live in Southern Cali and root for the unofficial 33rd professional team in the nation, so everything is pretty chill, but don’t they have to be sick about Pete Carroll’s inability to win the little games? Every year, the Trojans lose a game to a team they should beat handily. U-Dub. The Beavers. Stanford. Stanford?! Oregon State, again. All these losses to what the Trojans deem lesser teams must sting by now.

Green Bay. Losing to the Bengals hurts and even more so at Lambeau. Chad Ochocinco rubbed it in when he took his own life into his hands and performed the Lambeau Leap. Leinenkugel mixed with tears is not very tasty.

Brigham Young (not the person, the University). Despite laboring under the distinct disadvantage of playing in the equivalent of a mid-major conference, the Cougars finally clawed their way into a top 10 ranking, then promptly turned the ball over five times and lost by a boatload of points to Florida State. And not your father’s Fla. State, mind you, but the current, unranked incarnation (although the Seminoles did crack the USA Today Top 25 after this game). We’ll probably have health insurance well under control by the time another Mountain West team cracks the top ten. Is there such a thing as a Sad Mormon Face?

Buffalo. Despite a win over the Buccaneers, I’m pretty sure I saw the second Sad Buffalo Face of the Terrell Owens Era. Countdown to a major TO detonation starts in 3 – 2 – 1 …

New England. Did you ever watch Patriots game and have the eery feeling that the Pats were just staring other teams down? Me too. They always seemed to win those kinds of games. So it was a relief to see new Jets head coach Rex Ryan stare down the Patriots for a change. Despite the pre-season hype, New England, while a good team, is human. Tom Brady looks as though he’d rather be in Ibiza with Giselle hand-feeding him. This morning, I saw the New England running game on my milk carton. They don’t even bother trying to run the ball, which means either they don’t think they can, or they are arrogant enough to think that they don’t need to. It’ll be interesting/queasy-making to see how this plays out, depending on your rooting interests.

Tennessee. Chris Johnson ran for 197 yards and two touchdowns. He caught nine passes for 87 yards and another touchdown. The Titans still managed to lose to the Texans. My god, people, the Texans. I know they were the sexy “sleeper” pick this year. First of all, they’re not a sleeper if everybody picks them; and secondly, Matt Schaub is still the quarterback of the Texans. Painful.