Three Reasons the Eurovision Song Contest Puts American Idol to Shame

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American Idol and the Eurovision Song Contest both recently crowned their 2010 winners and it doesn’t take a genius or an astute cultural critic to figure out the continent has it all over us when it comes to putting on a proper pop spectacle. Sure, Germany’s Lena (think Ellen Page singing a club anthem in character as Regina Spektor) wasn’t exactly a win for the ages (that would be 2006’s Lordi if you’re wondering. I will brook no argument), but I’d still put my money on her over Lee DeWyze (Who? Exactly.) any day. In that spirit, I give you:

Three Reasons the Eurovision Song Contest Puts American Idol to Shame:

It embraces the snark potential
Now, perhaps the Albanian telecast is a staid and thoughtful affair, but if you have the pleasure of watching via the BBC (or the BBC via the internet), you’re treated to comedian Graham Norton’s good-naturedly biting commentary on all 25 acts. Norton mocks everything from the costumes of the performers to their hairstyles (there ain’t no mullet like a Eurovision mullet) to the sobriety of the audience of 120 million viewers. There’s no “Europe, what have you done?” admonishments a la Ryan Seacrest on American Idol’s results night. Yes, national dreams will be crushed, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still take the piss, does it?

There is cheese and then there’s Eurovision
17 year-olds in ballgowns and enough make-up for a cougar convention belting out power ballads. Overly hair-gelled, tight-panted men of ambiguous sexuality gyrating to dance hits performed entirely in Greek.  An Angelina Jolie doppelganger singing a song called Apricot Stone while swanning around in front of what looks for all the world like a giant paper-mâché clitoris (hint: I think it was the stone in question). And wind machines, always with the wind machines. The excess of Eurovision makes the likes of Adam Lambert look like a Christian music ingenue singing the national anthem at a NASCAR race.

This is serious business
Sure the Brits like to pretend they’re above such gauche displays (doesn’t explain why they sent Andrew Lloyd Webber to accompany 2009’s entrant on piano) and my Serbian former coworkers tried to play it nonchalantly cool when their own Marija Serifovic claimed top honors in 2007, but there’s a lot of national pride invested in turning in a good showing at Eurovision. None of this “second is better than first because then you get more artistic freedom” bunk that fans of the American Idol also-ran always toss around. Nope, countries pull out all the stops. In addition to the creative mind behind CATS and Phantom of the Opera, 2009’s broadcast featured a burlesque routine from Dita Von Teese as part of the German entrant’s performance. In 2008, Russia’s Dima Bilan’s winning entry included a cameo from Olympic gold medal figure skater Evgeni Plushenko, who showed up to deliver a dramatic on-stage routine atop the world’s tiniest ice rink. And this year? Azerbaijan hired Beyonce’s Single Ladies choreographer to design their stage show (didn’t help, they finished outside the top five) and host country Norway spent so much on mounting the television production that their national broadcaster can’t afford to televise the Word Cup. There is an earnest competitiveness and level of unjaded investment in Eurovision that has long since worn off American Idol (if it was ever there in the first place).

So keep your Lee DeWyzes and your Kris Allens and your David Cooks. I’ll take that strange violin-playing hybrid of Justin Bieber and Michael Buble that is 2009 winner Alexander Rybak. As for 2010? Graham Norton and I agree; France totally got robbed.

P.S. Mr. Norway? Call me!