An Exhaustive List of Individuals and Groups You Are Permitted to Openly Criticize on the Internet

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A writerly friend and I were shooting the breeze recently and the subject of sacred cow public figures vs. those with a kick me sign on their backs came up.  I argued that the scope of those of whom you can be openly critical online sans backlash seems to be getting narrower all the time. In the interests of making life easier for would-be e-pundits, I’ve compiled all the names of those you are still permitted to mock with impunity into one handy document. Feel free to print it out and tape it to your fridges.

An Exhaustive List of Individuals and Groups You Are Permitted to Openly Criticize on the Internet

• Conservatives, including luminaries such as Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, etc.
• The Republican party as a whole, excluding Meghan McCain, because she’s young, blonde and deemed to be moderate
• The Pope
• Lindsay Lohan, but only if you offer the caveat about thinking she’s genuinely talented and loving her in Mean Girls and/or The Parent Trap
• Scientologists
• The cast of The View
• Sarah Palin, but this is what we refer to as low-hanging fruit
• Jon Gosselin
• Tucker Max, his fans and apologists
• The Douchebag archetype
• Heather Mills
• Major League Baseball
• People who use text-speak
• The Duggars
• Chris Brown, but you’re still allowed to sheepishly appreciate that wedding processional YouTube video
• Drunk drivers
• All past American presidents, excluding George Washington and Franklin Pierce (Who? Exactly.)
• Dr. Phil
• Yanni
• Roman Polanski – please to be going wild with this one. In fact, whenever you’re tempted to take a potshot at someone not on this list, I encourage you to replace their name with Roman Polanski’s. For example, Polanski’s spring collection is completely unwearable or God, did you hear Polanski’s new single? Total crap.