Chemist Finds Evidence That God’s A Programmer And You’re His PC

Programming is hard. It's not like I can wave my hands and -- POOF! -- a miracle happens. Image by giopuo via Flickr

I sympathize with people who look at science’s explanation of life and find it too fanciful to be true.

A navy of invisible granules with long tails swim out of a penis and up a vagina, through an unremarkable opening, into a lightless cavern, seeking something they have never seen before — an egg. There they get really frantic, trying to get through the egg’s wall, spit out a chemical code and die. As improbable and herculean as this mission is, it succeeds often enough that humans are in danger of stripping an entire planet of its resources.

And it all happens without a guiding hand.

The alternate theory, explained to me by the severe Sister Julie in an especially stern mood, is that God looks at every man and woman and decides whether they should get a baby.  If yes, He touches the woman’s belly once, to create a child that would be a blessing for the parents. Or He touches her belly twice, to create a child who’d be a lifelong trial for the parents, their family and friends and their community. Sister Julie told me God had touched my mom’s belly three times, and while she didn’t explain what three pats meant, I was sitting facing a corner at the time, so I assumed I might grow up to be a trial for the President.

That to me seems a little fanciful, too, and equally exclusionary in terms of integrating any other sources of possible wisdom.

Now before any Crusaders climb on a horse with a sword, there’s a new theory that we should consider, one proposed by Dr. Pallacken Abdul Wahid Ph.D., an expert in agronomy and crop science and a retired dean at India’s Kerala Agricultural University.

Wahid says the story of life is true to the Quran, the Bible and a junior college Comp Sci 101 class syllabus.

According to Wahid, God created Adam by breathing nafs into clay. Nafs has been translated as “life”, he says, but that’s wrong. God was huffing “biosoftware.”

Unmistakable proof that God breathes life into each chromosome.

Specifically, He installed biosoftware in Adam’s chromosomes. (The Bible makes more sense, he says, when you know that it uses “rib” as a metaphor for chromosomes throughout the texts.)

We know this is true because in one orientation, a chromosome looks like a sky view of two ribs connected to the spine. That and the fact that the Bible says Eve was made from one of Adam’s ribs/chromosomes.

By extension, a computer is more than the sum of its parts. It’s artificial life:

The invisible “soul” of the computer is its software. Likewise the invisible soul of an organism is its biosoftware. The Quran tells us that at death the nafs is removed from the body (Q. 6:93).

Wahid  spent too much time in the sun, but he does ask old questions in interesting new ways.

Having earned his doctorate in chemistry, he wonders how the genome can be so central to many people’s description of life.

The fact that [a] living cell and its dead counterpart carry the same genome is chemically untenable.

In other words, the genome of skin cells that we slough off every hour should be different than the cells that replaced their fallen comrades if it is the genome that describes life.

And this ties in nicely with Thomas Edison’s notion that everything living is made up of autonomous, thinking cells. But would God have to breathe nafs into every cell of every being everywhere?