The American Idol Challenge: Is There Life After Simon?
God help American Idol! This season, the producers already had to replace original judge Paula Abdul. Now with the debut of Ellen Degeneres only one week away (Tuesday, February 9), the Idol powers that be are already faced with the monumental task of finding the next Simon Cowell, who’s leaving when his contract expires at the end of this, the ninth season, to launch the U.S. version of the hit UK star search The X Factor.
Suddenly, discovering America’s next pop superstar seems so much easier.
Well, replacing Simon Cowell is about to get easier, too. Simon Fuller, if you’re reading, here are 10 suggestions.
Elton John He’s gone diva to diva with George Michael and Tina Turner as well as Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone (remember his deliciously cranky cameo on Absolutely Fabulous?), and by God, he’s still standing. If anyone can outbitch Simon, it’s Sir Elton Hercules John.
Rosie O’Donnell Rosie Vs. Kara DioGuardi. Enough said.
Elaine Paige Maybe the only person brave enough to publicly call Susan Boyle as she sees her (though she later apologized for the “virus” dig) can finally take Randy Jackson to task for his nonsensical commentary. (It’s mad pitchy, dawg!)
Christian Bale Instead of directing his rage at family members and the crew on film sets, the Dark Knight could fight the real enemy: hideously untalented Idol wannabees.
Conan O’Brien Not that he needs the money after his fat severance package from NBC, but I’m getting the giggles just thinking of the witty repartee between Ellen and the short-lived Tonight Show host.
Joan Rivers Since we’re considering professional funny people. I get the feeling that Joan doesn’t really know a thing about music, but despite having a songwriting pedigree, neither does Kara. As long as Joan promises not to bring her daughter Melissa along for the ride.
Naomi Campbell It would be as good for her as it would be for Idol. The anger-management flunkee and former aspiring pop idol (remember Baby Woman?) would have to think of non-violent ways to express her disdain for stinky Idol contestants.
Russell Crowe If Campbell is unavailable, what about her fellow expert in assault with a deadly communication device?
Mel B Admit it: You only care about Victoria Beckham because she’s David’s other half. She was always the dullest Spice Girl, and she still got to guest judge twice during the season-nine auditions. Next season, Idol would be much better off taking a chance on the scariest Spice of all, Melanie Brown.
Wilhelmina Slater Now that both Vanessa Williams and Wilhelmina are out of work, why not hire Williams to reprise her bitch-on-heels Ugly Betty alter ego on Idol? Throw in Michael Urie as her evil-genius sidekick Marc St. James, and I’m so there.