The world’s 10 worst cruises

At my most recent full-time job, I learned a lot about cruises and hotels. The latter knowledge remains useful — who doesn’t love a nice hotel — but the cruises? Bah. I’ve taken one, and I’ll never do it again.

Inspired by the recent announcement that Disney was launching a Hannah Montana-theme cruise (without a guest appearance from the insufferable little sluttard of the title), I was inspired to dig up my old notes for a story I always wanted to write: The World’s 10 Worst Cruises.

10: Twilight Fans Cruise

As we learned at this year’s MTV Movie Awards, the Twilight juggernaut will not be stopped. But even when the films are finished, fans will continue to clamor for the pasty-faced pretty boys who make their oversized undies moist. One entrepreneurial tour operator has already staked (ha!) her claim to the lucrative Twilight after-market. The first ever Twilight cruise sets sail from Seattle to Alaska in August, 2010. Book your cabin now — this blood-curdingly bad event will fill quickly with shrieking pre-teens and chubby women who can tell you, in no uncertain terms, why Team Edward rocks. [Twilight Fan Cruise] See also: Annual Gothic Cruise and Masquerade Ball.

9: Adventures in Parrotdise

He may be the world’s “most famous beach bum,” but Jimmy Buffet ain’t no idiot. The man makes bank from licensing and franchise fees from his Margaritaville brand. Standing in for Buffet on this seven-day Caribbean cruise is Barrie Cunningham, who “has been performing Buffett’s music for almost as long as Buffett himself.” As the website says, it’s an “ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETT.” Oh, oh, I’m wasting away already. [Tribute Cruises] See also: Neil Diamond Tribute Cruise.

8:  Clothing-Optional FantaSea Fest

There are a lot of nudist cruises, but none seem as horrifying as Bare Necessities’ FantaSea Fest, to be held over Halloween because, as the organizers aver, “no one enjoys a good costume party more than nudists.” After “Two Fabulous Nights at Key West’s Fantasy Fest,” the ship heads to Cozumel for Day of the Dead, then on to the Bahamas. Along the way, enthusiastic nudists will watch “a rerun of Charlie Brown’s Great Pumpkin” and eat candy corn. Lest you’re tempted, remember — the average nudist isn’t likely to raise your mast. [Bare Necessities] See also: French Adult Cruise.

7: James Carville and Mary Matalin

Their maiden voyage must’ve been popular three years ago, because the political world’s most blowhardy blowhards are back on-board. This time, it’s a 12-day Mediterranean cruise aboard the Crystal Serenity. According to Crystal Cruises, “The dynamic duo will also present their observations of and predictions for the new Obama Administration, as well as both political parties.” For 12 fucking days? [Crystal Cruises]. See also: The Nation Cruise 2009.

6: Norwegian Cruise Winter Olympics Floating Hotel

Combining all the fun of a cramped hotel room with the lowered expectations of a shitty cruise, Norwegian Cruise Lines’ 2,200-passenger Star will be docked in Vancouver for the 2010 Winter Olympics. According to Canada.com, a three-day “inside cabin” package will cost $2,836. But wait! That includes “everything you would find on a cruise except you are not sailing anywhere.” So, three nights in steerage, nine buffet meals and free bingo — for about three grand? Sign me up. [Newwest Special Projects]

5: Float2Paradise Psychic Medium Cruise

I’m more than open-minded about psychic and paranormal phenomenon; I’ve contributed to Fortean Times for more than a decade, for instance, and I keep abreast of unexplained events. But I’ve lost all interest in psychics and mediums, thanks to one awful woman who commissioned me for a screenplay based on her life. I learned a lot from that experience, most notably that psychics are selfish manipulators with delusions that go waaaay beyond grandeur. I don’t know anything about guests Joanne Gerber (at right) and Rita Berkowitz, but I predict that taking a cruise with them is a waste of $999. [Float2Paradise]

4: ShipRocked

Launched by a true-believer hair-metal fan, ShipRocked has grown beyond its original roots as a Queensryche cruise. Early plans for this year’s jaunt include performances by Tesla, Skid Row and several bands you’ve never heard of. If Rock of Love hadn’t happened, Bret Michaels would probably be headlining this shitshow of long hair, tattered concert shirts and badly drawn Eddie tattoos. [ShipRocked] See also: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Man Cruise.

3: Third Annual Ukulele Cruise

I don’t care how many times the editors at Boing Boing insist, the ukulele craze will not gain traction in my life. It’s cloying, self-consciously hip and, well, quite fucking annoying. Not everyone agrees with me, of course. For the legions of uke fans, I would then recommend Sea Cruises’ third annual Ukulele Cruise, which sets sail in January for seven days on the Mexican Riviera. The program includes hours of instructions from experts, jam sessions and even a hula party. Have fun, you stupid fucks. [Sea Cruises] See also: Ultimate Polka Cruise.

2: Gaither Homecoming

This is your chance to enjoy seven days of harmless hokey harmonizing in praise of the Lord. Between ports-of-call, you’ll enjoy performances by the new five-member Gaither Vocal Band (that’s right, it’s no longer a quartet!) PLUS Woody Wright, Buddy Greene, Gordon Mote and dozens more artists whose “hearts are in this.” As Bill Gaither himself says, God “has plans that are better than our own.” Personally, I’d rather fight off Somali pirates with deck chairs in the middle of the Indian Ocean. [Inspiration Cruises] See also: K-LOVE Friends & Family Music Cruise.

1: Four Bitchin’ Babes Set Sail for Diva Nation

I’ve specifically restrained from mocking cruises that target post-menopausal women for two reasons. First, easy target. Second, I love my mother. But I’d hope my dear mom would have better sense than book a cabin for this “Estrogen Fueled, Hilarious Show That Celebrates The Best Of BABES, BOYS, and BOTOX.” If Dave Barry is responsible for murdering humor in print (and he is), these cows have done the same for stage performance. [Triangle Cruises] See also: The Suzanne Somers Cruise.

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