In Soviet Russia, Mediocre Third-Down Backs Are Stars

Greetings from the most uneventful part of the offseason, Packer fans. If I’ve been quiet lately, it’s not just because we’re in that long dead zone between the draft and minicamp, but because I’ve been in Russia, hanging out with this lady. I was browsing the souvenir stands at an open-air market in St. Petersburg when I happened upon this wonderful item:

Yes: It’s a matryoshka, a traditional Russian nesting doll, made up of members of the Packers’ offense. Delighted as I was to discover it, I couldn’t help but wonder: Brandon Jackson? How’d he make the cut? The guy’s not even a starter! Well, that just goes to show why Russia doesn’t have an NFL franchise of its own yet.

Nevertheless, I had to buy it, mostly because I owe Unpacked correspondent Ben Perlstein a birthday present. After haggling the vendor down a few hundred rubles, I offered him some friendly advice. First, I told him, you’re gonna wanna replace Jackson with Jermichael Finley. Second, you’re gonna wanna lay in as many of these as possible, because the Packers are going to win the Super Bowl this year. Little did I know Peter King would soon be agreeing with me about that.