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Dec. 28 2009 - 2:01 pm | 394 views | 0 recommendations | 0 comments

Crap I really want left behind in the new decade

–First off, pedants who will insist that the new decade won’t start until the end of 2010.  Did this argument make you any friends at Y2K?  Then shut up already.

Caucasian middle-class paranoia. The middle class has been shrinking for 30 years, but at least white Americans HAVE a middle class.  Don’t just scream that your town isn’t like Mayberry anymore, because it never was to begin with.  Instead, reach out to those who are not like you, find some common ground, and organize for changes that will improve the community for everybody.

Porn stars as celebrities. Listen, most celebrities are whores, but it doesn’t follow that all whores should be treated like celebrities.  (Did you know that a few years ago, porn star action figure collectibles were put on the market?  Wanna guess how many packages are still in “mint” condition?)  I should believe Holly Sampson when she says that sex with Tiger Woods was a “sensual, beautiful experience”?  I should care, because she’s generally so reliable on the subject of sex while being recorded?

–Anything that shortens my attention span even more.  I love TiVO, but fast forwarding through everything has made it impossible to watch anything in real time.   Commercial’s on!  Quick!  What’s showing on Cartoon Network?

–People who insist on showing me their new iPhone app, acting super-proud that they had the brains and resources to shell out 99c for something as entertaining as Chinese handcuffs.

References that compare ANYTHING AT ALL to the Holocaust.  Maybe even the Holocaust itself.

–Our national addiction to fame, which has resulted in reality shows, hoaxes, general rudeness, and overall despicable behavior.  What will emerge from the other side of this obsession, when literally everyone has had their 15 minutes?  Will hermits and monasticism be the next big thing?  Oh, be still, my heart.

Movies made from Broadway musicals that were made from movies in the first place.

I’m sure there are plenty of things YOU’D like to leave behind.  If so, leave them in the comments thread, and pray for a better tomorrow.


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    About Me

    I'm a writer and performer in Chicago. My most famous book is Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, which was an international best seller. I'm also the author of its two sequels, Once Upon a More Enlightened Time and Politically Correct Holiday Stories, as well as Apocalypse WOW! and Recut Madness: Classic Movies Retold for Your Partisan Pleasure. I'm also in charge of the baseball poetry website, Bardball.com.

    As a native of Detroit and a current resident of Chicago, I have never lived more than 45 minutes from one of the Great Lakes. I embody most of the traits that the provincial coastal elites attribute to the Midwest: slow-talking, resistant to change, methodical, in love with a good Italian beef sandwich, keep socks on during intimate moments. Rather than hindrances, I’ve found these to be valuable tools for getting through life, especially when dealing with provincial coastal elites.

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