Neiman Marcus Christmas Book leaves me a day late and a dollar (or two) short

The 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition, $105,000.

The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book just arrived and I’m vaguely irked that I may already be too late for the 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition. Only 50 of the $105,000 cars exist and interested buyers were supposed to call in to reserve theirs starting at noon Oct. 16. That was almost a month ago! Dare I even hope that I still have a chance to buy one? I could really use those massaging front seats, that custom butter-soft navy and ivory leather interior, sweet illuminated tread plates and a Bowers & Wilkins 1,200-watt sound system.

If I did miss out, I suppose I could console myself with the His and Hers ICON A5 Sports Aircraft. The $250,000 package includes pilot training

ICON A5 Sports Aircraft.

for two and a trailer for the craft, which flies under 10,000 feet (above birds, but below jets) and can take off and land on water or the ground. That sure does making commuting as easy as it is by convertible or speed boat. Wait, what’s this? Production hasn’t even begun so this gift won’t be available until late 2011. Look, waiting is nice for others but I’m not into delayed gratification. Next!

I must admit I’ve had my eye on this one, the Algonquin Round Table Experience. For just $200,000 (the money goes to a charity), a guest and I can have dinner and conversation with literati who could include writer Malcolm Gladwell, professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. (I hope they remember what kind of beer he likes), actor John Lithgow, newsman George Stephanopoulos and scribe Delia Ephron. The event will take place at Manhattan’s Algonquin Hotel sometime before June 2010. Hang on a sec. My plane won’t be ready by then. Darling, I don’t fly commercial. What else can I buy?

There’s a $12,000 chandelier made out of plastic soda bottles rescued from a landfill. Nice. The world’s fastest electric motorcycle, not bad at $73,000. A super-cool custom Martin acoustic guitar for $12,000

Martin acoustic guitar.

(includes the case!). This one sounds fun: a “wine and art experience” where for $20,000 my guest and I can learn wine-making and create our own blends and then tour the vintner’s contemporary art collection. Oh hang on, contemporary? I’m more of a French Impressionist aficionado. Never mind.

Well I’m not going to fret. There are plenty of things I can still select from the catalog. I’m partial to the Chanel pumps ($850), Kooba shoulder bag ($595), diamond and green amethyst earrings ($2,980) and the Marchesa Couture evening dress ($3,795).

One item I will most definitely not be purchasing is the Gucci scarf. The Italian wool wrap is absolutely covered with that GG interlocking logo. That means people can guess how much you paid ($250) for your little slice of warmth and such an ostentatious display of wealth is positively gauche. Do people have no sense of decorum these days? It’s enough to make you wish for a return to the simpler times, when a big feast and a few trinkets were all that was needed to make a holiday joyous. Hey, you know what would make that simple celebration unquestionably divine? Waterford jewel-colored flutes. At $115 each, you really can’t go wrong.