I Infiltrate The World of Creepy Children’s Birthday Party Clowns

“Coulrophobia” is fear of clowns. Clowns scared me as a kid, watching in horror as dozens scampered from a very tiny car, hitting each other in the face with a board. Why the hitting? Why?! Make it stop! Why?!!?

I still find clowns, and children’s party entertainers in general, just plain creepy. Maybe it’s the horror of a lurking stranger behind makeup and a fixed smile, maybe it’s the disturbingly floppy shoes. Why do clowns inspire such awe, and such fear?

Creepy clowns have even been popping up in the media lately; there’s seems to be a whole new trend of creepy clown ads.

From WalMart:

To UPS:

I need to find out  firsthand why people think clowns are so creepy! Immediately! Yes, I shall become a children’s birthday party clown and hit the circuit!

Like a burning bush sent from heaven bearing a comically oversized red nose, I come across this ad in the Bay Guardian:

Earn $100-$200 a weekend entertaining at children’s parties as characters or clowns. Call Josh.

Fumbling for the phone, I call the listed number. “Can I speak to Josh?”

“Hold on, he’s got on big floppy shoes and a red nose and just walked in,” spouts a mean-sounding man. Presumably he gives me these details to confirm that I will be talking with an actual clown.

I give Josh a few phony clown credentials, and he grants me a prized interview in San Leandro — a godawful industrial suburb right by Oakland Airport to be a birthday party clown.

Find out what happens when I infiltrate the world of children’s birthday party clowns and go out on the circuit by following the link to Zug.com