Get Ready To Speed Flirt: Infiltrating the World of Pick Up Artists

When a normal rate of flirting just wont do, one needs lessons on how to speed flirt!   With Valentines Day just around the corner,  God bless the Learning Annex for providing such an opportunity to flirt at a rapid rate; all for a mere $49. I’ll leave my shy past far behind, when I master becoming a complete “play-ya!” My goal is to become a bigger pick up artist than Mystery and his patented Mystery Method.

A hotel downtown is where my sojourn into speed flirting takes place. In order to get into the proper mood, I’ve dosed myself with way too much cologne and where a T-shirt that says “Buttweiser-King of Rears.”

“Are you here for the speed flirting class?” loudly asks a pair of middle-aged twins, both in glasses and matching sweaters. I follow the identically clad twins, who go by the names of Stephan and Scott, to a sterile conference room, or “speed flirting den,”  on the second floor. Inside are about 25 speed flirters.

Instead of being a gathering of “play-yas’ most resemble Star Trek conventioneers, a couple look like swingers; all are led by a woman from Ohio who you’d describe as “bubbly.”
“OK everyone, here’s your flirting pledge,” she says, handing everyone a card reading “This certificate gives you permission to flirt for at least 48 hours.” She is the self-referred “Dean of Loving University,” who wears a sparkly, magician’s jacket-the official garb of professional speed flirters, and hands us another card.

Loving University’s Introduction Card
It’s not easy for complete strangers to meet,
But you caught my attention. Let’s not pass
Up this opportunity to see what we have in
Common with one phone conversation.

“You give these cards to people you want to flirt with and right off the bat you engage them in conversation. You give them the card and say `Now you have permission to flirt with me! `”

“Is it OK to flirt with someone at the grocery store?” asks one of the twins.
“Does anyone know the double take,” asks the Dean of Loving University, demonstrating with two long, lingering stares, then recommending following it up by giving out one of those asinine cards.

“Remember the `drip method’,” the bubbly woman reminds us. “Three flirtations in 45 minutes with the same person!”
Hmmm. This speed flirting is already a little creepy.

Read on to find out more on speed flirting….

Before getting into hands-on speed flirting, the bubbly woman has us pay ten dollars for two dozen pages of copied handouts which might have cost a dollar to print. Then she tries to sell us on her personal flirting coaching sessions ($150 per hour), along with her multitude of books for sale with such titles How To Be Irresistible To The Opposite Sex and Prescription For Love. In a way, speed flirting is a lot like Scientology; they try selling you a lot of books right off the bat.

“Today’s flirting is a laboratory to warm up for other flirting.
“How dangerous is it to do?” asks a paranoid woman who looks like my mom.
“It’s not dangerous at all, ” confirms the bubbly woman.
“It sounds dangerous,” answers my mom’s lookalike.
“Your hair makes you look married,” she suddenly tells a man with glasses. “Mess it up a bit.”
He quickly messes up his own hair.
“And unbutton your top button.”
Like a Pavlovian monkey, the top button comes undone, whilst the twins continually ask too many questions (I wish they did so in unison).

“We got to do something to loosen you guys up!” The 6 speed flirting women stand in the front of the room. The speed flirting guys get down on one knee. She, I kid you not, has the women twirl around and go “I’m irresistible!” The men respond by raising their left hand and in unison chant “I want a relationship!” There’s kind of a sad quality involved in being a “play-ya.”
In groups of four, we do our last speed flirting exercise, involving sure-fire speed flirting lines. I’m partnered with Conrad, Rochelle and Neal (who earlier messed up his own hair).
We’re suppose to do each three times, fast, delivering the last one slowly, making it sound really sleazy (try it yourself):

“I need a vacation, how about you?”
“I love the way your hair frames your face!”
and the very simple, “I just have to tell you, you’re soooo cute!”

“On your marks……get set…..FLIRT!”

“Your face is framed. I love it,” attempts Neal, getting it wrong every time. Then we’re told to try it again, this time using three different accents.

“On your marks……get set…..FLIRT!”

The speed flirting accents I choose are Canadian, German and a robot from the 1950’s.
“I love your framed face and hair,” says Neal in a high-pitched voice, still not getting it right.

“We’re going to go on a flirting creative mission,” the Dean of Loving University tells her wide-eyed pupils who are now ready for the real, flirting world. “I’m going to give all of you flirting assignments! We’re going to go across the street to a place called `Lori’s Diner` and flirt”

That’s right, we nubile speed flirters are going to utilize all the important lessons learnt, in public, while people are trying to eat. Hmmm? Wouldn’t a bar be better than interrupting people enjoying dinner? I ponder this as everyone closes their eyes and are told to stand like we’re the sexiest person on earth. I keep one eye open and notice three other people are peeking.

“If anyone asks, don’t say we’re a flirting class, say we’re a `society of creative thinkers’,” advises our instructor.

The 25 of us leave the hotel: Neal, Conrad, myself, the bubbly woman, the twins. The Dean of Loving University is already getting a phone number from a random bald guy. We inconspicuously take up almost half of Lori’s Diner. While the other half, unknowing, is going to be speed flirted with.
Like a quarterback leading a team, the bubbly woman buzzes around giving people their speed flirting assignments. She tells Neal, “Now, you go over to that woman and ask her about her Caesar’s salad.” We watch Neal pester a woman trying to eat. All around the diner swarm the speed flirters. One of the twins asks a woman about her chicken club sandwich. He comes back, sharing his experience.
“…so I asked about her club sandwich, and she said it was good! (pause) I’ve never done anything like that before.”
Neal returns and tells about his Caesar’s salad inquisitiveness.
“How did it go?”
“Really good. I asked her how she liked her salad!”
Speed flirting is also a lot like annoying people while eating. I try my hand at speed flirting with the overworked waitress.
“I like the way your hair frames your face!” She looks annoyed that the society of creative thinkers are pestering all her customers.

“OK, here’s your next flirting assignment.”

Conrad, Neal, the woman who looks like my mom, and myself, are told go to the front and look at the deserts. While doing so, we’re suppose to see if anyone is checking us out. We parade towards the deserts. The deserts spin around in a case. We stand there like complete idiots. I use the opportunity to speed flirt with the tattooed hostess.
“Now the ice creams, are they real or fake?” I ask, batting my eyes.
“They’re plastic,” she answers, unaware of my flirting prowess. “They cost about $200.”
“Huh, interesting.” In a way, flirting is just like talking to people.
“How did your mission go?”
I tell the Dean of Loving University about my cunning fake ice cream ploy.
“That’s great, come over and share that with the rest of the group!”
Everyone’s delighted about my inquiring about fake, plastic ice cream. Before departing, I ask the bubbly woman for one last flirting assignment.
“OK, see that young girl by cashier? Go up to her and say `that’s a nice flowy dress.”
“Are you sure?!”
I go to the register. The girl is about 16. I use my Canadian speed flirting accent.
“That’s a nice, flowy, dress, eh!”
The look she gives makes me feel creepy. Leaving, I notice the homeless are the ones who really have this speed flirting thing down.
“Hey, how about a smile!”
I give the man a dollar, for he is a prized speed flirting disciple.

SPEED FLIRTING EXTRAS: LINES & TIPS:

-Don’t ask for a phone number, say, “Let’s share phone numbers.”
-Is there anyone in your life that would mind if I asked you to dance?
-Are you accepting compliments today?
-If you’re not in a relationship, I’m going to flirt with you, OK?
-It’s too bad no one’s here to introduce us. Let me do the honors.
-If I gave you my heart would you promise to take good care of it?