In The Shadow of the Palins: I Infiltrate A Teen Abstinence Educators Conference

Sarah and baby-mama daughter, Bristol, or at it again, spreading the merits of their favorite method of birth control: teen abstinence.

Though abstinence has been preached for thousands of years, the Palins , thank God, have finally gotten it right. As seen on the Oprah show last week, their goal is to bring the message to the classrooms and convince teens that condoms are ineffective and that the only safe form of sex occurs within marriage.

They did it! Problem solved! Disregarding thousands of years of human nature, they know that the way to stop teen pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is for teens simply not have sex. It’s just that easy. Sign me up.

No, literally.

That’s right, in order to get in the mindset of the Palins,  I infiltrated  a three-day conference sponsored by the group Life Choices. (Get it? They’re cleverly one-upping “pro-choice.”) There, I was trained as a teen abstinence educator, and learned the ins and outs of what’s needed to teach kids in public schools not to have sex.

What’s really being taught to kids when it comes to teen abstinence programs? Do their workshops really teach practical, realistic information to squash the sexual urges of horny teenagers?  Are complaints valid that they give erroneous information about health, sexuality, gender roles, contraception, and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases—that they’re full of medical and scientific inaccuracies, all under the guise of education?

That what I wanted to find out firsthand.

Read on……..

Training Day

I’m dressed real sleazy—tight shirt and jean shorts, cut really high. So high, in fact, that I run a risk of one of my nads popping out. Why? To take God’s test on this whole born-again-virgin thing. I’ve also decided to talk in sexual double entendres to see where that leads.

“There’s just the three of us,” says one of two overly nice ladies who’s teaching the workshop. She looks a bit disappointed that I’m the only one who turned up for the hands-on training session that explains the abstinence curriculum taught in their public schools.

“A threesome,” I mutter in a low, breathy voice, biting my lower lip. “That’s more personal attention for me.” I flash a mischievous smile.

“OK, here’s something we teach,” one of the overly nice ladies says, handing me a paper clip; this paper clip is supposed to give me something called a Life Lesson Analogy. “Make that paper clip as straight as possible.”

I do just that, looking proudly at my handy work. Is that all there is to teen abstinence teaching? Will kids not want to have sex after doing that?

Oh. There’s more. “OK. Now put it back,” she insists.

Aaaah!

Using professional balloon twisting skills, I bend the paper clip into the shape of a poodle.

“What would you need to put it back, to make it look identical?” she asks.

“Technology. Maybe tools,” I throw out, spreading my legs wide apart. “Perhaps even an assist—from someone with . . .” Pause. “Beautiful eyes.”

The paper clip symbolizes life’s journey, apparently. “Don’t give up; you’re going to make mistakes,” she says, implying that in life, as in bent paper clips, time is needed to fix things, for example, sexual promiscuity. “Stop and think before we charge on through. It’s not hopeless.” Huh?

“Through experience, I found that hand puppets are also effective in explaining this,” I add to nods of agreement.

An overhead projector flashes the words “CHOOSING NOT TO DO SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY.” Then the other overly nice lady takes over. “You decide not to take drugs,” she notes. “Sexual abstinence is choosing to reserve sexual expression for marriage.”

Just a choice? That’s all. Problem solved. You just have to choose. This whole time I thought it had something to do with biological urges. But choosing not to have sex, for teens, is like, say, choosing Coke over Royal Crown Cola.

“Why do some teens choose to participate in sexual relationships?” the other lady pipes in. Several reasons are listed: “Drinking, friends, media . . .”

“Bragging rights,” I congenially add.

“Girls, it just offends them.” She says that she explains when guys in her classroom mention the bragging. “Girls will say, ‘Dude! Come on!’” She uses “today’s” language.

“What if they want to be a gangsta rapper?” I inquire, running my hand down my thigh. “It seems to work for them.”

“Is it a good enough reason to take this risk?” one of the women responds. “Is it worth the risk?”

“I dunno. It seems fun to be a gangsta rapper,” I remark.

Besides, think about it—without sex before marriage, would we even have rock music or, for that matter, Italian cinema?

“What are the consequences of sex? Girls feeling really exploited,” the woman says. “Petting? That’s just bad behavior. That’s how rumors start.”

Let’s see, no petting. So hand under the shirt, over the bra is obviously taboo. And masturbation is likely out of the question.

“Hold true to your own dream, or life will be disappointing,” she says. “Whatever that dream might be. I don’t know, president of a big company maybe. It can happen.” (Sure, except like many company presidents who fuck their way to the top.)

“Look at your goals. Having an STD is going to impact your goals,” nice lady no. 2 jumps in. “If they pursue relationship goals, each step that they take to get more and more sexual increases their chances of risk! Condoms will reduce risk of STDs, but not all STDs, but not eliminate it. There’s still a 20 percent chance.” (A twenty percent chance.

Damn, she surely got her statistics from a different source other than the mainstream medical community—perhaps it’s the same scientists who confirm the world is only a few thousand years old?)

“They have so much they can put focus on! School, sports, what’s really important to them,” lady no. 1 says, putting forward a theory that, if correct, would greatly expand teen softball leagues. “It’s taking that energy and using it for something else.”

“How about origami?” I throw out, then take a hard look at the boundary chart the ladies have passed me. “Avoid arousal” is one of the key boundaries.

“What if dancing makes you aroused?” I ask. “Should we, as instructors, tell kids not to dance?”

“If you found that as a weak spot, then avoid it,” nice lady no. 1 states. (The premise of the movie Footloose suddenly makes sense.) “Maybe they can pick a different kind of dance? Instead of freaky dancing, maybe try, I don’t know, square dancing.”

“Square dancing, yes; freaky dancing, no,” I repeat.

“Pick a boundary at maybe holding hands; move it back a notch,” she suggests.

“How about direct eye contact? What if that makes you aroused?” I say, making direct eye contact.

“You’ve got to train, like an Olympic athlete,” she answers. Yes, indeed, train like an Olympic athlete—an Olympic athlete with a big, insatiable boner!

It’s an interesting theory. I’ve been a born-again virgin for two days now, and the crack of dawn is making me horny. (In fact, my hand puppet Mr. Wait Until Marriage is looking pretty darn good at this point.)

What other methods might curb the sexual libido?

“Use a keepsake as a daily reminder, such as a bracelet or ring.”

“Like if you’re trying to lose weight, put a picture of a tropical place you want to vacation at on your refrigerator as inspiration.”

“Wouldn’t people get married just to have sex?” I ask.

“People aren’t going to get married just to get laid,” she scoffs. Marriage, she explains, is about becoming a friend to your spouse.

“I have a younger son,” lady No. 1 concludes. “He’s made a pact not to date because he thinks dating is too much stress.”

She explains he’d much rather focus on studying. “He keeps a honeymoon jar. He puts money into the honeymoon jar in order to keep focused on school.” The money from the honeymoon jar will be spent on his future wife. Whom he hasn’t met yet.

Pause.

I nod my head and repeat, “A honeymoon jar!”