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Nov. 19 2009 - 7:29 pm | 1,145 views | 2 recommendations | 14 comments

Only Christian Side Hugs Before Marriage!

This video makes me very happy. It’s a bunch of happy Christian rappers, acting all street,  freestyling the merits of the non-sexual Christian Side Hug. What could be construed for a Saturday Night Live sketch is done here…….WITHOUT IRONY!  

Yes, now it’s abstinence only for Christian teens when it comes to hugs. The basic message is that “front hugs” should be saved until marriage, This is told to us while using a lot of ghetto rap hand motions. (“Word!”) I think the fear here is if teens give each other a “full frontal hug” it’s leads towards the Satanic road of no return of crotch-to-crotch dry humping. The next thing you know, you’ll be on that slippery slope of supporting gay marriage and believing dinosaur bones aren’t a test from God. Best to keep it safe with a “side hug” (at least until one is declared man and wife). When the hell did the Christian church put out the memo about the inappropriate frontal hug!? 

Listen to the wise words of the Christian rappers:

“I’m a married man.You know I can’t hold hands. Front hugs all day long with no other demands. But I ask of all of you, until you say ‘I do, no front hugging, or PDA or EG time is through.”

Watch out! Beware of those painted women with that “front hug” look in their eyes! Quick! Turn to the side! Pat her on the back! Why? Cuz Jesus never hugged anyone like that! 

Hmm, I wonder what these Christian rappers would think of administering the old rusty trombone?  

Watch and re-watch again, and again, and again, with a big plate of ironic detachment, because you got to ask yourself, “Who would Jesus front hug? ”

Read more at Freedom Haters.org


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14 Total Comments
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  1. collapse expand

    This is almost as ridiculous as the “Young Neo-Cons” who were rapping in Brooks brothers suits on the Mike Huckabee show. (I only watched it because it was mentioned on Bill Maher).

    Thanks Harmon, i got a good laugh from this post.

  2. collapse expand

    old dirty bastard rolled over in his box in that!

  3. collapse expand

    So funny! Hey, I just noticed – rap attire is actually quite modest.

  4. collapse expand

    Yes, attire that one would only “side hug” in.

  5. collapse expand

    Only, and I mean only, give your grandparents Christian side hugs!

  6. collapse expand

    I guess frontal hugs are sinful, but grabbing your crotch isn’t? Watch and you’ll see them grab their crotch on occasion. Then, they seem to catch themselves. But, do it again and can’t seem to help it.

  7. collapse expand

    The idea of Christian Side Hugs is so ridiculous I am unable to laugh. Sheesh.

  8. collapse expand

    This is great. My husband and I work at Saddleback Church, and we’ve joked for years about the prohibition of the full-frontal hug at our own campus.

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    About Me

    I am the author of six books including, The American Dream, Republican Like Me, and National Lampoon's Road Trip USA.

    My writing has appeared in such places as Esquire, Huffington Post, Penthouse, Salon, and Maxim.

    I've appeared on The Howard Stern Show, Last Call With Carson Daly, as well as the Edinburgh, Melbourne, and Montreal Comedy Festivals.

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    Contributor Since: November 2008
    Location:San Francisco