Bodyslamming For Jesus

“LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE!” shouts Dr. Shock as the crowd goes wild. “This is going to be the Ultimate Rumble. The only way to get disqualified is going over the ropes, or like me, being thrown over onto the hard concrete floor!”

In Winterville Georgia, packed into the Harvest Church gym, hundreds of rabid Christian wrestling fans sit ringside on folding chairs.

They go apeshit, with blood-thirsty anticipation waiting for the heel and the face to bodyslam for Jesus and save their souls.

Two refs, in striped zebra shirts blazoned with red crosses, take position. Out comes Dixie Dynamite, a paunchy shirtless guy, with a graying mullet and Confederate flag blazoned on the ass of his silver spandex tights. 

“Come on Dixie!” screams a chubby kid wearing a Confederate flag T-shirt and the same matching camouflage cap as his chubby dad’s. He’s so excited his face drips sweat. 

A small cruiser-weight flies into the ring.  Dixie Dynamite grabs him by the feet and makes him fly through the air, flipping him with a loud WHACK on the mat. Another elbow is driven into his thorax.  

The Christian crowd goes mental. A guy in a baseball cap and Cosby-like sweater, holds up a sign that has a bloody cross and reads, “Real Men Pray,” and boasts the names of his favorite wrestlers. A true Christian wrestling fan, he says, “I drew the cross from the old psalm, from the blood of Jesus wash away the sins.”

Between matches, the dressing room is filled with adrenaline.  While putting on tights, large Rob Adonis-the head of Ultimate Christian Wrestling-assures me: “There were men in the Bible who dressed up in loin clothes and ran through the marketplace all in the name of Christ, “Look at me! I look crazy!” he explains, waving his hands around. “But now you’re listening to me so I’m going to give you some Jesus. Our philosophy is to get them in here. Do whatever you got to do and give them the truth. The truth will set them free, you know, that’s our goal.”

Back in the ring I can clearly see a biblical correlation. The two skinny guys go at it with basic clothesline wrestling moves. One of the skinny guys is tagged out. Boom. Here comes paunchy Dixie Dynamite. His first maneuver causes the skinny guy’s face to start bleeding. He’s bleeding from the head. Real Christian blood, perhaps ingenuously preplanned to symbolize Jesus’ blood on the cross?! No crown of thorns needed, this dude, wrapped in a Dixie headlock, is bleeding all over the mat.   

“We always have chairs flying,” Rob explains about UCW ring antics. “I’ve had my nose busted open a couple of times from some miscues or hit the ropes wrong or some chair come in and pop you in the face.” Rob’s eyes widen. “The crowd goes crazy. People like gore.”

The Main Event

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor blares over the sound system. Enter 330 lbs. Mr. Evil clad in dark shades and a trenchcoat. He emerges to boos, jeers, and taunts from crowd. By his side is Mr. Evil’s manager, who holds a folding chair (surely for Christian wrestler hitting).  

“Go home!” someone yells. Mr. Evil tells the Christian man to shut up. 

Mr. Evil, possessed by Satan himself, threatens these good Christians with head-slapping. He removes his trenchcoat, revealing his large belly, and warms up on the ropes.  

Out comes Rob Adonis. He high-fives little kids, taking to the ring, mounting the top ropes to greet the cheering fans. The bell rings. With a drop kick and a flip, Mr. Evil lands his fat ass on top of him. The place goes crazy.  Let’s just say, in this match, Rob Adonis gets crucified. It’s the Last Supper for Rob Adonis as Mr. Evil comes off the ropes, grabbing him by the knees and BAM, slapping his large body loudly onto his back. Un-Jesus-like, Mr. Evil then strangles him with a towel. Like a fatal kiss from Judas, the champ, Rob Adonis falls victim to the best finishing move in wrestling bar none-The Guillotine. Like water being turned into stale urine, adding insult to injury, the champ is handcuffed to the ropes then stomped, choked and kicked by Mr. Evil’s manager.  The chubby kid screams bloody murder.  

Mr. Evil puts his arms in the air to a sea of boos, retaining the UCW heavyweight belt. Large Rob Adonis is left handcuffed in the ring.  

“Hold on we got a little more,” Dr. Shock announces, as a few tired fans head toward the exit.

Rob Adonis is un-handcuffs from the ropes. He slowly puts his shirt on, takes a swig of water, then he paces the wrestling ring. Suddenly it gets weirdly serious.  

“As I’m looking at this chain wrapped around my wrist, handcuffed, as I was handcuffed to this, I’m reminded of a message I want to share with you,” he tells the crowd while sweating profusely.  ”I want to tell you, the only purpose we are here is to serve God!” 

There’re more cheers than when Dixie Dynamite was being dropped-kicked by Mr. Bugaloo. Someone yells, “Amen, bro!” 

 ”This represents chains of bondage within a person’s soul,” he explains about the handcuff still locked to his wrist. “The position of bondage within your soul, within your heart and life.” 

 This is tying together neatly here.  

“Are you living a life right now that’s got you shackled in chains?” he asks, ring-center. “There’s only one addiction out there and that’s the addiction to Christ!” 

Clearly moved, the wrestling crowd is once again on their feet. They’re hooting, applauding, some with fists in the air. This time, it’s not because of a well-executed double-elbow-drop;  it’s because of Jesus.      

 ”People see us and think  ’Yeah that guy’s big, he’s muscled, he wrestles, he takes a chair shot to the back of the head.  But I hope they can make that correlation that that guy gives 150% every night to his savior.” 

The wrestling crowd now has its eyes closed and is praying. Mr. Evil is praying. Dixie Dynamite is praying. The screaming chubby kid is praying.  

 ”If you want to make that decision tonight to follow our lord Jesus Christ, stand up.” To sweeten the deal, “UCW has a free bible for you if you commit to Jesus!” 

A line of little children are led to a small room by trained counselors. The door closes. I peek through the crack. Little kid heads are bowed. They are praying. (It’s kinda weird.) Everyone is encouraged to bring friends to the next UCW wrestling match-especially those who might not have the faith (won’t they be surprised).

 ”Tonight we topped over 300 souls saved!” Rob boasts about the grand saved tally. “8 to 10 people made a move tonight!”  

“How did you like the match?” I ask the chubby little kid, who I was certain was going to burst an artery.

“Oh dude, man, it was awesome. I can barely talk,” he says with a huge grin. “I’m going to go home and rest my vocal-izer so I can be ready for more screaming tomorrow morning at church!”

Harmon Leon is Freedom Haters.org