“Coulrophobia” is fear of clowns. Clowns scared me as a kid, watching in horror as dozens scampered from a very tiny car, hitting each other in the face with a board. Why the hitting? Why?! Make it stop! Why?!!?

I still find clowns, and children’s party entertainers in general, just plain creepy. Maybe it’s the horror of a lurking stranger behind makeup and a fixed smile, maybe it’s the disturbingly floppy shoes. Why do clowns inspire such awe, and such fear?

Creepy clowns have even been popping up in the media lately; there’s seems to be a whole new trend of creepy clown ads.

From WalMart:

To UPS:

I need to find out  firsthand why people think clowns are so creepy! Immediately! Yes, I shall become a children’s birthday party clown and hit the circuit!

Like a burning bush sent from heaven bearing a comically oversized red nose, I come across this ad in the Bay Guardian:

Earn $100-$200 a weekend entertaining at children’s parties as characters or clowns. Call Josh.

Fumbling for the phone, I call the listed number. “Can I speak to Josh?”

“Hold on, he’s got on big floppy shoes and a red nose and just walked in,” spouts a mean-sounding man. Presumably he gives me these details to confirm that I will be talking with an actual clown.

I give Josh a few phony clown credentials, and he grants me a prized interview in San Leandro — a godawful industrial suburb right by Oakland Airport to be a birthday party clown.

Find out what happens when I infiltrate the world of children’s birthday party clowns and go out on the circuit by following the link to Zug.com

So we’ve all seen the commercials for Hollywood’s latest blockbuster romantic comedy, Valentine’s Day. It stars the likes of Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Ashton Kutcher, and Jennifer Garner; all acting like they can’t get dates for Valentine’s Day.

Intertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.

Funny that these characters can’t get dates; they all look like supermodels. Does the idea of the movie Valentine’s Day make you sick?

Watch my new video and decide:

Since I don’t have health insurance, I thought I’d attend a taping of faith healer Benny Hinn’s TV show This Is Your Day, which airs on the TBN Network (or as I call it, “that annoying God Network”).

Benny Hinn (not Benny Hill) is a multimillionaire/TV evangelist/faith healer. He claims to heal people simply by touching them. While on Larry King Live, Hinn said that if people touched their television sets while he prayed for them, they would be healed.

My goal is to save tons of money healing my ailments without bothersome doctors and all their medical hoo-ha.

Onward to the land of Benny Hinn!

ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, BE HEALED!

In order to test the healing waters, I’ve decided to walk with crutches and wear a fashionable Swine Flu hospital mask. As I hobble toward the entrance of a big gaudy building, I begin shouting Benny Hinn’s name.

“Do you need some help?” asks a man in an expensive suit manning the door to a room that appears to have been decorated by the same guy who did Michael Jackson’s house.

“No,” I mumble from beneath my Swine Flu mask. “Benny Hinn will take care of that.” Then I add, “Does he heal everyone in the audience?”

“He doesn’t heal you,” clarifies a woman standing by a metal detector and sign that reads No Weapons Allowed. “God heals you!”

“Do I need to sign up or anything so he can heal me?” I ask, slightly lifting up my Swine Flu mask so she can understand me.

“He’ll pick people from the audience,” she explains, moving back slightly.

The metal detector goes nuts as I crutch through.

“Oh, just go right on in,” says one of the many large security guards, leaving me safe in the knowledge that used crutches and a Swine Flue mask make suitable credentials to bypass security.

Crutching on, I pass many photos of Benny Hinn in action. Some look like he was awkwardly inserted via Photoshop. There’s Benny Hinn with the Pope, Benny Hinn with Mother Teresa, Benny Hinn holding a small child towards the heavens and various people weeping, weeping, weeping – all touched by the miraculous hand of Hinn.

As a big-haired woman shows me to my seat, I accidentally step on several people’s feet trying to crutch to my chair.

“Sorry,” I say while lifting my Swine Flu mask. Tacky fountains, Greek pillars and ornate chairs make the This Is Your Day set look like a king’s living room, or the set of a get-rich-quick-through-real estate infomercial.

“Let me take those for you,” requests the woman with big hair. She then walks away with my crutches (perhaps this is Benny Hinn’s first step towards helping me walk on my own!).

People’s hands are in the air in stick-em-up fashion, singing along with Benny Hinn when a swarthy man with logic-defying hair takes the podium. His suit looks very expensive.

“I got some great news!” he excitedly announces. “We just got the building next door. They wanted $10 million, but we got it for $7.2 million!” The crowd hoots and hollers.

“Now we’ve got to start raising the money!” Benny Hinn adds with a laugh.

Read on…….

continue »

Straight-shooting Sarah Palin is about as contrived and spontaneous as a rocket launch. The crazy lady, who criticized President Obama for using teleprompters, had cheat sheets on the palm of her left hand during her speech at this weekend’s National Tea Party Convention that read “Energy,” “Tax,” “Lift American Spirits,” and “Budget Cuts.” The word “Budget” was crossed out.

During the Q & A portion of her appearance, Palin referred to the scribbling on her palm when asked her thoughts on what top three priorities of the Republican Party should be if it wants to recapture a Congressional majority.

Has Sarah Palin always been writing crib notes on her palm this whole time? I can only imagine what has been scribed on her palm in the past: “Hockey Mom,” “Putin Airspace,” “See Russia Front Yard,” etc…..

I’m sure she feels that the posting of her palm crib notes across the Internet is yet another hatchet job against little Sarah from Wasilla. The good news for Democrats: she’s not ruling out running for president in 2012!

A while back I filmed a short documentary about cockfighting in Louisiana, which was held in the town of St. Martinsville.

Need I say, I took a strong stance against cockfighting.

Sure, what’s there not to hate about two roosters that are bred to fight it out to the death in a ring (cockpit) while men wager on who will be the winner?

The really astonishing thing; when I posted the video on You Tube I got a slew of comments from people who were actually pro-cockfighting. In their idyllic world there would actually be more cockfighting. Quicker than you can say reinstate-Michael-Vick-in-the-NFL, it was pointed out that I was actually the ignorant one.

Here’s a taste of what these proud Americans had to say about my anti-cockfighting video. Some responses are just plain confusing. As one astute commenter put it in regard to my stance, “suck a fat one you queer”.