Breaking: Baseball players used steroids

No surprise here. (Image by Getty Images via Daylife)

We are all floating in a baseball purgatory. It’s that list. While the sport goes on, its fans, players and personnel wait as each day could be the day that another name from the list of 104 players on the 2003 steroid list are revealed.

Slowly, methodically, “lawyers with knowledge of the drug-testing results” and the sports media are colluding to turn what should be a single mega-story worthy of three or four news cycles, into a series of 104 arduously repetitive mini-hysterias.

Sammy Sosa took steroids. Ground-breaking stuff. Got any other breaking news from six years ago? Newsflash: President Bush Sends Troops to Iraq

Let’s put ourselves in the mind of the guy who is leaking the names, one by one:

I wake up at 6:30 am. Usually getting up this early is a process. The snooze button is pushed, again, and then again. It’s tough facing the glib monotony of yet another day as a federal employee….but today is different. Yesterday I revealed another name. Which means that today I’m officially an anonymous source. What a rush.

Normally I go online and read the news as I eat my Cheerios and drink my coffee, but today I force myself to wait. The anticipation is half the fun….ah, hell, who can wait!

“Hey, hunny.” I say to the wife, “looks like someone from the office leaked Sosa’s name from the list.” She has no idea it’s me!

“Oh yeah,” she replies. “How about that.” She returns to her breakfast.

Yeah, how about that. It’s going to be a great day. And I’ve still got 102 names left….

Please, I’m pleading with whoever is in possession of that list. Reveal the rest of the names. Stop punishing us with tedious and repetitive headlines!

I’m not asking for the other 102 names, so that baseball “can put this in the past.” I’m asking that these 102 names be published so that I can stop being so bored. Here’s how the story cycle goes each time – Name is revealed. Collective gasp. “What a shame.” “The outrage.” We are all to blame. Here’s a list of his steroid-driven accomplishments. “Which should we discount?” “Can we let this guy into the Hall of Fame?” “Yes.” “No.” “Does this put a tarnish on an entire era.” “Yes.” “Yes, but that means that we should consider accomplishments with the era in mind.” Everyone’s a suspect.