Lane Kiffing talks on the phone with young boys he's never met. (Image via Wikipedia)

In telling a 13-year-old Delaware “quarterback” that he should attend USC when he’s college aged, Lane Kiffin has proven that he doesn’t understand kids.

To explain further, I should tell you a little about myself as a 13-year-old. When I was a kid, if I was good at something and you told me so, I immediately thought I could relax and stop trying as hard, because hey, I was good. You just told me.

So when young Delaware prospect David Sills shows up to camp five years from now, and he seems like a cocky kid who thinks he’s really great, Kiffin will only have himself to blame.

Shirley among his Menorca (Spain) teammates. Obviously afraid of the water surrounding his tiny island home. In fact, obviously so afraid he couldn't even play more than a few minutes. (Image via Wikipedia)

I’m going out on a limb here and saying I think Paul Shirley just finished reading The Fountainhead.

Yup. In an essay for flipcollective.com (a website Shirley runs),  the former NBA benchwarmer turned “writer,” exhibits all the signs of a recent Rand-reader.

1) Being an asshole
Shirley displays his rectal tendencies in this conclusion of his “letter” to the Haitian people:

As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World

If you rebuild it, they will come

2) Self-righteously faulting people for the conditions of their poverty

After the tsunami of 2004, the citizens of the world wailed and donated and volunteered for cleanup, rarely asking the important – and, I think, obvious – question: What were all those people doing there in the first place? Just as important: If they move back to a place near the ocean that had just been destroyed by a giant wave, shouldn’t our instinct be to say, “Go ahead if you want, but you’re on your own now.”?

That’s right, Shirley can’t believe people live in Southeast Asia. What are all those people doing there? You know, on those large fertile landmasses? Sheesh.

3) Disliking large groups of people for arbitrary reasons
Paul Shirley is quite clearly afraid of the hurricane belt, and is spiteful of those who are brave enough to bare it….

We did the same after Hurricane Katrina. We were quick to vilify humans who were too slow to respond to the needs of victims, forgetting that the victims had built and maintained a major city below sea level in a known target zone for hurricanes. Our response: Make the same mistake again. Rebuild a doomed city, putting aside logic as we did.

If forced to do so through logic-colored glasses, no one would look at Haiti and think, “You know what? It was a great idea to put 10 million people on half of an island. The place is routinely battered by hurricanes (in 2008, $900 million was lost/spent on recovery from them), it holds the aforementioned title of poorest nation in the Western hemisphere, and it happens to sit on a tectonic fault line.”

4) Did I mention the asshole thing? How about the self-righteous thing?

I recoil at the notion that I’m SUPPOSED to do something. I would like to help, but only if I feel that my assistance is deserved and justified.

I’ll tell you what Shirley, leave the thinking to actual thinkers and stick to what you do best — playing basketball against Europeans for two minutes a game.

Image via Wikipedia

Shh, shh, relax. Everything is going to be OK. I know what you’re thinking USC.

You’re worried that Lane Kiffin is just going to use this new head coaching opportunity as a stepping stone for a return to the NFL. You’re afraid he’ll stick around for a year or two, just until an NFL gig is floated in his direction, and then take off. The thing is, you’re right. That’s probably what he’ll do. But is that so bad?

When Kiffin is long gone, it will still be sunny and beautiful in Southern California. The waves will still crash on your beaches and your celebrities will still strut their stuff for your entertainment. Lane Kiffin can’t change that.

He can, however, leave your program in complete disarray — like he just did to Tennessee — I guess it’s understandable for you to be worried about that. To be fair, Tennessee deserved it. Well, Knoxville deserves it, to be exact, but that’s a story for another day.

Mangini can stay. (Image by Getty Images via Daylife)

Yesterday, new Browns president Mike Holmgren elected to keep coach Eric Mangini on-board for another season. The decision came after the two met to make sure that Mangini would be “on the same page” as Holmgren. I’m pretty sure the conversation went like this….

Mike Holmgren: Eric, hi, please have a seat.

Eric Mangini: Sir. Thank you.

Holmgren: Listen, that stunt you pulled where your team still didn’t know who the starting quarterback was halfway through the season was ludicrous.

Mangini: Yes sir.

Holmgren: Teams need to know who is going to be taking the snaps.

Mangini: Yes sir.

Holmgren: So next year, I don’t want to see any more waffling. It doesn’t benefit the team, and it makes you seem like you just crave the media attention. I’m going to want my head coach to figure out the QB situation pretty early on in pre-season.

Mangini: Absolutely sir.

Holmgren: Now go on, kid, get out of here. And you think about what I’ve said. I’ll call you in a few months to let you know who I’ve drafted and whatnot.

Mangini: OK. Thank you sir. Good day sir.

Currently Available:

Washington Redskins - fired Jim Zorn this morning – Washington is that ripe well-paying fruit hanging low from the tree – consider this the job Mike Shanahan has been waiting for.

Buffalo Bills - been looking for a coach for a long long time – Buffalo is that frozen fruit, still attached to the branch which detached from the tree during last night’s lake effect pummeling – Buffalo would love to have Bill Cowher, but he does have a couple of other options.

Possibly available soon:

Tamba Bay Buccaneers – At 3-13, it was Tampa’s worst season since 1991, and only their third losing season since ‘96. This is the most intriguing “will they, won’t they” of the off-season. The Bucs knew they were taking a risk in hiring a 32 year old as head coach, and the team improved drastically after he took over as defensive coordinator.

Oakland Raiders – The team was bad (although not as bad as usual) and Tom Cable became a laughingstock, but it won’t be easy to find a qualified candidate who actually wants this job.

Cleveland Browns - The fact that the Browns won the last four games of the season might not be enough to make up for going 1-11 to start. Would Cowher join the team Pittsburgh loves to hate most?

Chicago Bears – During his six years as head coach, has Lovie Smith squeezed as much as he could out of under-talented teams (as I think he did), or did he just spike with a Super Bowl appearance and then allow his team to fizzle in mediocrity for three years?

Seattle Seahawks – Seattle might be replacing their GM soon, and the new guy might prefer to bring in his own coach.

Dallas Cowboys – It’s January, so this job is in jeopardy. Beat the Eagles on Saturday, and Wade Phillips is safe. Lose, and Dallas suddenly becomes the best team searching for a new head coach.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Despite calls for a change from fans, it’s pretty unlikely that the Jags will fire Jack Del Rio. They owe him a lot of money for next year.