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Feb. 9 2010 - 10:37 am | 589 views | 2 recommendations | 2 comments

Elect Me Governor of New York: I Don’t Cheat on My Wife

Seal of New York StateI, Elie Mystal, do hereby announce my write-in candidacy for Governor of New York. My sole qualification is that I am a married man who has remained faithful to his wife since our wedding five years ago. More than that, I was faithful to my wife even before we were married. Eight years of dating followed by five years of marriage, and I’ve never once put my penis somewhere it doesn’t belong. That’s got to be a record of some sort, right?

Don’t get me wrong, my fellow citizens, I am not holier than thou. I lie all the time. Especially to my wife, mother, friends, co-workers, and strangers at random. But when it comes to dutifully banging one — and only one — person: I. Am. A. Champion. You could put me in a room full of horny Playboy models, and I guarantee you, none of them would sleep with me.

Now, I understand that some voters might expect a little more from their elected officials than marital fidelity. And I’ll admit, I can’t budget my own checkbook, so I’m not entirely sure how I’ll deal with the fiscal mess that is New York State right now. Albany is ugly and boring, so I’ll be doing most of my gubernatorial work from my Manhattan apartment. Also, full disclosure: I’ve got little use for bi-partisanship. We’re passing gay marriage first, or I’m not signing a single bill. The government can grind to a halt, state employees won’t be paid, I don’t care. Good Government = #2, My Agenda = #1.

But, since you’ll never catch me in a closet that doesn’t exist with a woman who shouldn’t be there, what do you care? I’ll wake up every morning knowing that the fate of New York rests with my willingness to masturbate in the shower instead of showering with an intern. And I won’t let you down.

Still, it is curious that so many men seem incapable of following my path of monogamy. Yet we’ve come to expect public outrage whenever it turns out that another elected official likes to have sex with many different women. Is there any way we can get the powerful and the people on the same page about this issue?

Cheating 101 after the jump.

A couple of months ago, I wrote:

Rich and powerful guys cheat even when they are married to much more attractive, intelligent, and/or loving women than the ones they cheat with. I could explain why this is, but it’s an entirely different topic that is hard to explain unless you’ve ever had a penis.

Allow me to elaborate.

I don’t buy the biological imperative argument of cheating. You know the argument, it goes something like: “Man. Must spread seed. Boobies too powerful. Arrggghh.” Many of you have made that argument or heard it yourselves. I understand that’s how it works in the animal kingdom, but I also understand that Homo sapiens sapiens are blessed with marvelous powers of reasoning and self-awareness. Everyday, we overcome biological instincts in order to fit in with the rest of society. For instance, if another man hit on my wife, and I was a chimpanzee, I grab two of my friends and we would systematically rip off the other guy’s testicles. That’s how animals roll. If I can overcome the urge to mercilessly brutalize my wife’s ex-boyfriends (not saying that those urges don’t exist), then I can overcome the urge to contribute to the continuation of the species by banging a drunk co-ed.

What I do believe is that our modern society has decided to equate sexual adventures with power, prestige, and social acceptance. We’re told — especial as men — that real men have multiple liaisons with any woman they want, at any time, under any circumstance, the more the better. If a buddy has sex with an especially attractive woman, I’m going to respect him (or envy him, pretty much the same thing in Manworld) and treat him like he’s cool. If I don’t have sex with an especially attractive woman, my buddies will make jokes about my spinal column. My female friends will say things like “aww, how cute. You’re such a decent guy.” And I’ll be faced with the desire to shoot firearms, just to regain a measure of machismo.

That’s not nature, that is nurture.

Notice that these arguments don’t have anything to do with one’s spouse or significant other. Cheating, of course, has little to do with the person you are cheating on.

And so, most men are only one low-self esteem day away from having an affair. It starts off innocently. You want to feel like you “still got it” so you flirt with some attractive person. She (to your surprise) flirts back. And now you’re caught. If you do the right thing and back off, well, then you have to deal with the fact the you are a loser with no game. If you press the issue, well, don’t get me wrong, boobies are really powerful.

All of these issues are compounded when you are rich and/or powerful. In Manworld, you only get minimal credit for having a lot of money, or holding a prestigious position. “Ooh, you may be rich but I can kick your ass.” “Kick your ass” is always followed by “and take your woman.” (Manworld is a fantasy place where women sleep with whomever wins the cockfight. I know women find Manworld funny.)

What’s the point of kicking somebody’s ass if it doesn’t involve a woman? What, you think think the snooty rich guy has WMDs in the trunk of his Beamer?

As Machiavelli teaches us: “It makes [The Prince] hated above all things, as I have said, to be rapacious, and to be a violator of the property and women of his subjects, from both of which he must abstain. And when neither their property nor honour is touched, the majority of men live content.”

Now if you read Machiavelli, you’ll note that the quote above essentially represents the only restrictions he puts on his totalitarian leader. That’s right, the poster boy for the Eric Cartman “I do what I want” style of leadership has only two prohibitions: don’t steal the people’s money or their women.

So it was then, so it is today. The American public will suffer any manner of totally incompetent leadership. Negligent fiscal understanding, disastrous military strategy, obvious stupidity, nothing that a campaign slogan can’t fix. But when it comes to outright thievery, we get pissed. And when somebody puts his penis where he’s not supposed to, there is hell to pay. (Note: I’m really interested to see what happens when a woman with a national profile gets caught banging the pool boy. If Sarah Palin started banging her receptionist — played by Jack McBrayer — would that be an issue? Or are we so sexist that it would be passed off as “still hot”?)

In any event, I think the public overreacts to political infidelity because there is still that unconscious fear that if a leader can have sex with any woman he wants to, he might come for your spouse or significant other. As a society, we can’t let that happen. Shame him, shun him, keep him away from my wife! See honey, I’m much more attractive and charismatic than that dirty old codger, Bill Clinton.

And so, my fellow Americans and my fellow New Yorkers, you can trust me. Not to tell you the truth — but I mean come on, you don’t even care about the truth anymore (see e.g. the health care debate). The one thing you can count on is that I will never, ever, come to your town and try to have hot, powerful, enjoyable sex with your wife. Unlike most men who seek high office, the only thing I’m interested in is having the power to remake the world as I see fit. All you men out there with multiple girlfriends and huge … gun collections, I can see how manly you are. I won’t try to fight you. Just cede your right to self-governance to me, and I promise I will go home every night to the same woman. A woman who, miraculously, isn’t ashamed of my simple ambitions to rule the world.


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  1. collapse expand

    You lie to your co-workers all the time? More on this please.

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    About Me

    My first name is pronounced like Eliot without the “it,” my last name is pronounced like the Crystal I don’t have the “M”oney to afford. I’m an editor of Above the Law, a legal website that covers all of the gossip and business of the legal profession. Prior to that I wrote about politics. I used to be a lawyer, but I quit that profession in lieu of stripping naked and lighting myself on fire. I received a degree in Government from Harvard University because I enjoy pain, and a J.D. from Harvard Law School because I dislike change. I’m also a Met fan (pain + born in Queens).

    I’m African-American thanks to my maternal grandmother (which means there is one word I can use that white people can’t. Mwahaha). My father is from Haiti and my wife is from Zimbabwe, but outside of the northeast corridor I turn into a sniveling idiot. My maternal grandfather is from China, so I can make fun of Chinese-Americans ¼ of the time. It’d be great to go a whole year without embarrassing my mother, as Julia might say “Ye Gods, can that woman wait.”

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