It’s Been a Year Since Obama Ended Racism in America

One year ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, effectively ending racism in America. As an African-American, I can say this has been an awesome year. Since Obama’s victory, the prejudices and mistrust built up over four hundred years of racial oppression has seemed to vanish. Nobody ever questions my credentials or intellect anymore. I get along fabulously with police officers. And Obama even won a Nobel Peace Prize which allowed the entire country to feel proud about our leader.

Sorry, my sarcasm meter goes up to 11.

Still, one year into Obama’s administration, racial tensions in America are certainly playing out differently. I’m not sure if things are better, but I suppose it could have been worse. Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of Obama’s post-racial America.

Pro: There’s a new kind of black leader in town.

Do you notice that neither Barack Obama nor the other young up-and-coming black politicians currently on the scene have the term “Rev.” in front of their name? I think this is a pretty good thing. Nothing against the church, but it has been quite a while since black leaders didn’t have to double as clergymen. Now we can have people like Corey Booker (a.k.a. BHO II) who probably didn’t have the time to learn how to preach between attending Stanford, Oxford, and Yale. The church will always be a power base for African-American activism. Someday, Ivy League law schools will be too.

Con: If he can do it, why can’t you?

Whenever a homeless white person asks me for change, I always sneer at him and say: “You can’t be serious. You’re white. Look at Bill Gates. Why don’t you go invent an operating system instead of trying to freeload off of society you lazy white man.”

Oh wait, I never say that. Because that would make me a giant prick.

Sadly, since Obama’s election there have been way too many white people that are using the President as proof that structural racism no longer holds people back. Of course, these people have always felt that way. There simply are some white people who don’t want to believe that anything in America can be attributed to racial oppression. It’s just that now they are using the President as a data point. It is really annoying.

Pro: The rebirth of American cool.

Every time Obama leaves America, the international outpouring of goodwill he receives makes me feel like we are one step closer to living in a global community — with an American President taking the lead. Obama travels the world spreading his message to people of all races, colors and creeds. It makes me feel patriotic. More importantly, it makes me not embarrassed to feel patriotic. I can talk to my friends from other parts of the world about the strengths and weaknesses of the American system — and one of the strengths is that America produced the first elected leader of a western power that was not of the same race as a majority of the country. Chew on your fried potato strips drenched in mayonnaise while thinking about that, France.

And speaking of France, our first lady can kick your first lady’s ass. And you know it. (See, jingoism can be fun.)

Con: Can we please stop calling Obama “cool” like he is Superfly or something.

Look, I get that the cultural stereotype is that black people are “cool,” but let’s be realistic. Obama is a huge dork. I’ve met a couple of Harvard Law Review editors in my time. Trust me, nobody that gets that job should ever be called “cool,” unless you’re being bitingly sarcastic. He can’t dance, and there are 12-year-olds at Rucker park that could dunk on him if the Secret Service didn’t taser them on their way to the hole. I promise you Michelle has a better fastball. He’s started playing more golf now, which is significant because the greatest golfer on the planet isn’t as cool as the bassist in a cover band nobody has ever heard of.

There’s no suggestion that this big-eared dude was ever a real ladies man. He’s the leader of the free world but has to sneak around to smoke and got guilt tripped into buying a dog by his children — so there is every indication that he is totally pussy whupped. He drinks Bud Lite, a beer that I’d rather bathe in than drink. Obama is not the most interesting man in the world.

So, white people (and SNL writers) please give it a rest already. Swatting a fly isn’t all that impressive.

Pro: Score one for the Union.

As many people know, the Civil War is about to enter its 16th decade. Obama’s election has to be the most complete Union victory since W.T. Sherman baptized Atlanta in flame.

You see, most of the Hot Civil War (1861 – 1865) was a war of attrition. Most of the Cold Civil War (1865 – present) has been fought in much the same manner — with Union forces relying on their superior numbers to wear down the determined Confederate resistance over the long course of time. While Confederates still wait for foreign recognition of their cause, the Union leans on them with all deliberate speed. The Confederates rarely win on the open battlefield (though they often threaten Washington).

But every now and again, the Union scores a huge victory. It is these victories — and the “this war might almost be over” feelings they inspire — that has kept the Union going these past 145 years or so. Just when it looks like the Confederates might actually win this thing, Jackie Robinson shows up and changes the national pastime. Lyndon Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act. White youths hear Snoop Dogg for the first time.

Or a black man gets elected President of the United States. Cool, that should keep us going for another 20 years. Maybe one day we will get that flag in South Carolina.

Con: The Rebel Yell is still the most disgusting and terrifying sound in America.

The Rebel Yell might well be America’s first physiological weapon:

In Ken Burns’s documentary The Civil War, Shelby Foote notes that historians aren’t quite sure how the yell sounded, being described as “a foxhunt yip mixed up with sort of a banshee squall”. He recounts the story of an old Confederate veteran invited to speak before a ladies’ society dinner. They asked him for a demonstration of the rebel yell, but he refused on the grounds that it could only be done “at a run”, and couldn’t be done anyway with “a mouth full of false teeth and a belly full of food”. Along with several anecdotes from former Union Soldiers, describing the yell with reference to “a peculiar corkscrew sensation that went up your spine when you heard it” along with a claim that “if you claim you heard it and weren’t scared that means you never heard it”.

No accurate recording of the menacing sound exists from 19th century. But Americans were treated to a modernized version of the yowl all summer long. Contemporary accounts of the yell sound something like this. It’s a lyrical sing-speak sound that — when translated into standard English — appears to convey:

At this point in my life, I have never seen my America turned into what it has turned into, and I want my America back.

Yikes. My spine is tingling. When these people are cornered, they scare the crap out of me.

It is said that at the between the first and second nights of the battle of Shiloh General U.S. Grant openly wept under a tree in the pouring rain. When Obama does that after he signs this health care bill, I hope there are no cameras.

Pro: We have a black President.

Sometime when I’m in a bad mood, I’ll think, “we have a black President” and literally start smiling for no other reason. I thought that would stop happening to me after the election. But here we are, one year out, and it still happens to me. I can’t explain it rationally, but it is pretty awesome.

Con: Political humor sucks now.

As far as I can tell, Bill Maher is the only comedian with the stones to make good jokes about Obama that even slightly involve race. His example is actually an indictment of the entire comedic profession. I know it’s hard. I know it’s dangerous. Yes, you have to be more clever than making Popeye’s chicken jokes. But Conan O’Brien, Dave Letterman, Jon Stewart, these people are supposed to be professionals. Do your job! Don’t just sit around waiting for Chris Rock to tell you what to do. Take a freaking risk. Go there.

And if you get yelled at because the joke wasn’t funny or crossed some intangible line, apologize, learn, and try again. Somewhere, George Carlin is giving The Jay Leno Show the finger.

Half-Pro/Half-Con: The first black President acts suspiciously like all of the white ones.

What, you expected something different?