The way we were… and are
We live in a time at odds with our parents’ generation, and as such parenting has changed greatly through the last few decades. Today, parents are involved and present with almost everything our children do on a daily basis, and it has become necessary to keep our children safe but also active and engaged and learning. But with this parental involvement and awareness comes a great deal of management. This parental management is so far from my parents’ era of child-rearing, when most moms stayed at home and kids could play freely and independently. I believe I’m somewhat of an odd duck, holding onto the values of my parents’ generation while trying to adjust to the realities of being the current-day “super mom”.
The lifestyle and daily circumstances of my mother’s time were unlike the demands of present day parenting. To begin with, ‘play dates’ did not exist’. When we wanted a play date, we ran up a few houses to our buddy’s house and knocked on their door to see if they could come out to play – ride bikes, goof around in our gardens, play hopscotch, skipping, or evening games like ’spotlight’ and ‘kick the can’. Unlike today where moms coordinates exact drop-off and pick-up times, and then drive and pick up our children to the chosen home. As kids, we rarely played inside the home (remember your mom quipping “go outside and play with your friends“)? Now, we supervise play dates inside our homes so our children can enjoy social fun with good friends.
There were also very few (if any) scheduled activities. We simply played. Outside. With neighbourhood friends. In the (gasp!) street. Yes, we had neighbourhoods that were meant for raising families. Now, we schedule and pay for every activity – soccer, skating, gymnastics, dance, music – you name it, we can give you an instructor in the area ready to sign up your kidlet! Which, of course, means that as parents we drive our children to each activity, typically stay for the duration of said activity, and then return home (or to another activity). Our parents did not experience this minivan existence to which we have become accustomed. In fact, my own mother didn’t have her driver’s license until she was in her mid-thirties… and after giving birth to me, and I am fifth in a line of six children.
Next, we lived close to our school, and our parents did not drive us most days. We walked to and from school, and even for the occasional lunch break. Now, many parents drive their kids to and from school, and also preschool. The streets aren’t safe as they used to be. Too many reports of predatory incidents that frighten parents. Even if the streets are safe, as parents we don’t take the chance. Of course we choose to drive our kids to ensure their safety. Plus, some of our schools and preschools are not close to home, which means there can be two to four or more drives for drop-off and pick-up each day.
Then there are the birthday parties. Since kids these days are in preschool, parties often start at age three. There’s at least one invitation a month for each child you have, and parties are rarely in parents’ homes anymore. No, they are at pools and rinks, gymnastic and recreational centres, and other venues, many of which can be a 30 minute (or more) drive away. Every birthday party I had as a kid was in my home, and I cherish the memories of traditional party games like ‘hot potato’ and ‘freeze dancing’, and my mother’s homemade birthday cakes and cookies. My friends’ parties were also at their homes, and typically the parties were just for neighborhood friends, except for special school friends that might have lived more than a hop, skip, and jump away.
And, last but not least, there’s the cooking. It’s something I love to do and share with my family. But with all these activities and parental management, who has time for cooking? Well I do, but I definitely make time for it. I truly enjoy it, and it’s important to me that my family has good food to eat, and also that my kids have an appreciation for real food and some concept of how a meal gets to the dinner table. I know that I spend far more time preparing meals and snacks than other parents. Granted, there aren’t many vegan dining and take-out options for us in our area. We occasionally order a veg pizza or grab a vegan burrito, but it’s always pricier than it should be for the food we receive. (Really, how much should it cost Joe Pizza to throw a few veggie toppings on a pizza shell?!) But, on busy mommy-multitasking days, the take-out pizza is in order, unless I can pull something out of the freezer in a pinch. As much as I dislike our generation’s consumption of fast food and processed meals, and feel sad for children that are raised on such nutritionally-void foods, I understand how they are part of daily life for many families. It’s overwhelming to even think about preparing a meal some days with so much going on, and cooking ultimately means cleaning up when other pressing household chores are looming.
Many moms these days also work in other areas, part-time or otherwise. I am at home with our children, and while I work on my vegan cookbooks and other recipe-development projects, it is a part-time ‘job’ to my full-time role as mom of three. I love the work I do, and am fortunate that I can do it from home in the early hours of the morning or other breaks during the day. I know moms that work tiresome night shifts. Hey, we’ve gotta’ pay for all these scheduled activities, right?
Then, moms these days are also ‘yummy mummies’. Yes, we do what we can to stay fit, take care of our appearance, and keep abreast of current trends and styles. Personally, I find this last bit very time consuming and rely on my younger girlfriends when fashion help is required. Alas, I’m no purse or shoe-shopper, and my toenails are never painted. Probably a good thing, I don’t have time to switch purse contents in the morning or change polish colors on my toes! Indeed, plenty of time and money goes into being a ’yummy mummy’. I’m content with being a mummy that cooks yummy, and okay, I do what I can to stay fit and not ‘let myself go’.
Wait, I almost forgot! We are also the environmentally conscious moms. We do our best to reuse and recycle, cloth diaper, and use natural cleaners and hygiene products. Which is rather ironic considering school hot lunches are catered by pizza companies delivering personal pizza boxes that are undoubtedly trashed, and also given the gross consumption of processed and packaged foods as a whole in our culture.
I wonder if other moms (and dads) struggle with striking this balance between generations. My mother didn’t do all this driving, she didn’t hang out to supervise us at parks, birthday parties, activities, or while we took to the breezy freedom of our bikes in our neighborhood streets. She didn’t have work outside the home, or need to organize her day by the hour around preschool and school pick-ups and drop-offs, after-school lessons and parties, or fuss about next season’s fashion must-haves. Admittedly, I wish my mother had more for herself, perhaps some pampering and the occasional massage after long days taking care of six children.
Luckily, I have a husband that is as engaged in day-to-day parenting duties as I am. So, he assumes many of the kids’ activities while I get a meal prepared at home, or will throw the load of diapers in the wash and run the vacuum while I take our girls to their piano lesson. Still, all the juggling is challenging – for both of us. We regularly discuss these differences, and how we’d like to find ways to simplify and give our children more freedom.
Parents these days are running in circles to keep up with the demands of super-parenting. I don’t know if it’s particularly beneficial for our children. Sure, they have exposure to many experiences and activities, but at what cost to their sense of security, independence, and autonomy from their parents. Surely I’m not the only mom that feels this way… am I? If not, I’d like to think that we help our own children shift the parenting trends back to a simpler time, if just a little bit.
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As a parent, I know that most of what you write about parenting today is true.
But I do wish that people wouldn’t make these generalizations about mothers of yesteryear. I grew up in New York City. My mother had full or part-time jobs most of my childhood. I had organized playdates that one parent took me to until I was in middle school. My mother never told me to run outside and play.
My plea is that writers quit making these generalizations constantly about other people’s upbringing.
But I do feel that children lose a lot when their over-scheduled and not allowed enough independence. I speak from personal experience.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It certainly is a generalization, and there are always exceptions to any trends or generalities. Thinking back to my childhood, I had maybe one or two friends whose mothers worked part-time or full-time. Nowadays, I know very few mothers that don’t have part-time work or some type of professional pursuit that they are working on. Perhaps as well, your experience is different from the norm based on your age and growing up in a large city than was the case for my mother’s generation and our area. I appreciate you chiming in!
I am lucky I live in a small town where my children or child(the only one left at home) can walk or ride a bike to school, library, town pool, and friends house without my driving her. I truly know how lucky she is. But even so the driving back and forth to many activities seems removed from my childhood. When we did play in the street, go to the Park and walk to school or take the bus to ballet class across town. I grew up in New York City and travel the city by myself from a young age. But whether I would let mine today I dont’ know. I now live a small rural town where she can roam around safety.
Dreena: Striking something of a chord here. I had similar experiences as described in your post, though I’m not certain that you considered single parenting. I recall a certain independence as a kid. Playing kickball in the street during the summers way after dark under the streetlight at the bottom of the hill. We got to stay out way past dark, most of the time. Kickball, or catch, or whatever. No reprecussions. See, my parents were divorced when I was young. No recourse for going to bed late and sweaty from kickball, that I can recall, anyway. I also never got that lift to school. I hoofed those six blocks.
That was a long time ago. Now, along with my bride, I am responsible for our three incredible children (10, 7, and 5). We want them to grow, experience safe things, make their own mistakes, and have the freedom of being kids. And I am confidant that we are doing as well as we can. Does that involve letting them loose to play kickball (or whatever) down the street after dark? Yes. Have sleep-overs with the neighbors on a week night during the summer; water fights in somebody’s backyard? Oh yeah. ZZ Top concert in Sioux City with Dad last night (second f’ing row, so cool!)? Sure. There are a few certain parent-scheduled things, too. Piano lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the local college’s academic year, for example. Soccer practice on Mondays and Wednesdays. Sure to be more to come as well. Throughout it all, somehow, we have managed to hold on to Family Night on Fridays (the Munchkins card game is pretty cool). Like I said, we are doing the best we can.
Look, like most, as you describe, my wife and I are trying real hard to find the balance. As an individual, I’m not sure that I can be at great odds with the facts that my parents were not the mini-vanning type. I suspect that they were doing what they thought best, at the time. We’re doing the same. In a different time with perhaps different paradigms.
Man, I feel like playing kickball again right now.
Kudos to a fantastic article!
I’m a mom born in the eighties and these same issues are raised in my own circle of friends.
My colleagues poke fun at me for raising my family as vegans who are fed purely on homemade deliciousness. My relatives stare at me sideways when I tell them my 14 month old daughter doesn’t watch TV. And just after I gave birth to this daughter, I was plagued with suggestions for group play dates and mommy and me classes and other such expensive-out-of-my-way nonsense. It all feels so forced and fake.
I think its terrible that we are being judged on the things we aren’t doing for our children. Its like suddenly not being enrolled in every sport known to man is bad thing! Between work and home life I don’t even know how these families survive – what are they giving up in terms of family life to have all these extra curriculars?
I find myself pitying parents in the mall or grocery store who have to contend with demands from their offspring. There are so many spoiled children now! Why is it ok to see a 10 year old running around with a cell phone and shopping bags galore? Or overworked parents sucking back coffee by the truckload to keep them awake at 6am hockey practice? Or parents taking abuse from their 4 year old who wants the latest go-to gadget? It makes me redouble my efforts to keep my own parenting in line. I have flat-out refuse to be the mini-van driving soccer mom who shuttles around over scheduled and over stimulated (ADD much?) children.
Sigh, I wouldn’t want to be a child in this day in age. Am I wrong to fight the system and strive for a simpler life?
PS I think you would appriciate this documentary Lost Adventures of Childhood
Thanks everyone for your comments and sharing your perspectives as parents. It’s reassuring to know that other moms and dads are feeling some of the same pressures and generational pulls as I am.
Matt, you open an entirely other book with respect to single parenting. I can only imagine how overwhelming that responsibility must be – no, I can’t quite imagine, it must be extremely difficult on a regular basis. And, your approach to your kids’ play is refreshing – I remember playing “spotlight” in the summer evenings with friends, and those were some of the best times in my youth!
Maddy, I fully understand your feelings raising children on a plant-based diet – it’s so far from the norm! Thanks also for the link to that documentary.