Lohan’s Judge Speaks: ‘No Lindsay, F You.’

Judge Marsha N. Revel has been a revered Superior Court Judge in Los Angeles for many years. She has presided over several of Ms. Lohan’s appeals and hearings and has been known throughout her career as a stern but fair adjudicator . Revel is a regular guest columnist at True/Slant, but we’ve never printed her writing before because frankly, it’s usually pretty dull.

You know what? Lindsay Lohan can suck it. Wow that’s freeing. I’ve never said that before. In fact, I never even really knew what it meant before. But now, after dealing with Lindsay for what must be the 700th time (hey Lindsay, ever heard of “calling a cab”?! Try it. Then I won’t have to see you again), I definitely know what ’suck it’ means. You know when I figured it out? Right about…now:

So let me get this straight. You didn’t just skip our last hearing because you “lost your passport at Cannes”, but then you show up to the following one with “F— You” written on your finger? Well you know what, Lindsay? F YOU. And you can suck it! (Really feeling it now!) I’m a judge. I went to school for a long-ass time. Then I was a lawyer for a longer-ass time. The only things you’ve done for a long time are drink rum and make crappy movies. And you’re gonna curse me out in fingernail polish? Uh uh. Guess what? I got a manicure done today too. The right middle finger says “90 Days in Prison” and the left one says “90 Days in Rehab.” Add them up and you get 180 days of me kicking your ass through the California penal system. Ahhhhh yeah! My God I feel good! I bet Judge Judy feels like this all the time.

Here’s the thing LL, initially I was on your side. You’ve had a rough life, your family’s a mess, and you’ve obviously got a serious addiction problem. That hurts me to see, and I wanted to cut you a break. I even liked Mean Girls. But you skipped 10 rehab sessions. And you lied about it. And then you fake cried a whole bunch. Basically, you became a Mean Girl. Lying, manipulative, and too skinny. Ideally there’s a third act twist coming up where you realize the error of your ways, learn from your mistakes, and become a new and better person, but I kinda doubt it. Even your Herbie the Lovebug remake wasn’t that unbelievable.

I like to call this picture "Clearly Committed to Rehab"

So I was trying to be nice. I even considered recommending early parole. But then today you tweeted this:

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

Hey, Freaky Friday. How about you leave the legal stuff to me, and I’ll leave the Pineapple and Malibus to you, OK? It’s not cruel and unusual to go to jail, especially where you’re going. They’ll be pillows and internet and probably even toilet seats. You’ll be fine. Meanwhile I gotta sit in an uncomfortable chair and listen to wackadoos like you trying to explain why they jimmied off their ankle monitoring device with a crowbar all day. You wanna see inhuman, sit in my chair for an hour without putting your fist through a wall. THAT’S inhuman. Or sit through all of Georgia Rule. One of the two.

In closing, Lindsay, I’d like to genuinely wish you the best of luck on your recovery. I truly hope you get better soon, mostly because it’ll keep me from ever seeing you in my court again. And again, F You. And suck it.