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Jul. 6 2010 - 8:11 am | 269 views | 0 recommendations | 7 comments

The Silly and Salacious Summer of LeBron

Shhh…somebody said they saw LeBron getting on airplane in Chicago, pass it on…oh really, well I heard he and Chris Bosh were getting milkshakes on Miami Beach, but don’t tell anyone…well that can’t be because Dwayne Wade was having dinner with Amare Stoudemire and the Knicks in New York, and he wouldn’t go without bringing LeBron, would he?…I said SHHHH!…I don’t know, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure, he wouldn’t play without Carlos Boozer, they made an agreement on the Olympic team in 2008. They’re best friends!…Wait, you’re not repeating any of this, are you?! It’s top secret!!!…

With more high-priced free agents on the market this summer than anytime in basketball history, it’s somehow become less like a sport and more like The Real Housewives of the National Basketball Association. In the last week, the locations of Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Dirk Nowitzki, Amare Stoudemire, Joe Johnson and Carlos Boozer have been on constant report as the tour prospective teams, as if ESPN has an APB out on them. Honestly, Barack Obama has a better chance of slipping away than these guys. And of course none more so than King James. It’s funny, LeBron initially got his “King” nickname because of how great a player he was, but now it fits for a totally different reason. He loves to be #1, the focus of everyone’s fascination, the guy you can’t help but look at. And it’s turned an intriguing summer into complete nonsense.

Chris Bosh, for some reason.

This was an actual tweet from an actually coveted basketball player that was retweeted and reported like actual news:

Having a blast with the fam for long weekend. Going to see my grandmother. 92 yrs young! I’m sure she’s gonna treat me like a little kid.

“Chris Bosh is going to visit his grandmother, everybody! She’s 92, and she has a tendency to baby him! So…I think he’s signing in New Jersey! I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, we’re reporting that he’s signing in New Jersey!!!” I mean come on, I tweeted more newsworthy information this weekend, and I spent 2/3rds of it drunk. With more than 5 NBA teams shedding massive payroll specifically so they can sign one of this summer’s behemoths, a bit of hysteria is understandable from the fanbase. But LeBron is the only player who’s in it solely for the pleasure of those hysterics. Most NBA insiders admit that it’s unlikely James will ever leave the Cleveland Cavaliers. That means so all this hoopla, all the hyped visits to every city, all the tweets typed out with trembling fingers, it’s all just for kicks. Theatrics designed for LeBron’s shits and giggles. Which is pretty sick when you think about it. And I’m not sure the guy is even worth the trouble.

Because I’m a fan of the Boston Celtics (eat it, Lakers), I got to watch every playoff minute of the three best one-on-one players in the NBA this season: LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Dwayne Wade. And let me tell you something, LeBron James came in third. And it wasn’t really even close. The best pure scorer is Wade. He went for a postseason high of 46 in Game 4 against Boston’s excellent defense, and was the only player to truly take over the game against them this playoffs. The best overall player was Kobe Bryant, who combined great defense with All-Star level scoring and the ability to hit the hardest shots on the face of the earth. Then there was LeBron. Good scorer – sure, but not much of an outside shot and disappeared in crunch time. Strong defender – absolutely, but more because of his size and agility than any shut-down ability. But most of all, LeBron just doesn’t seem to give that much of a crap about winning. What he DOES give a crap about though is the Summer of LeBron. For that he went on Larry King, for crying out loud. Not to talk about the games, not to talk about hoops – Larry King doesn’t know anything about hoops. He went on to talk about free agency. About bringing his bright shining star to another city. Which, as many have said, he doesn’t really have any intention of doing. As Jackie Mason would say, “What a yutz.”

And the worst part is, we’ve only just passed the 4th of  July. Which means the Summer of LeBron is just beginning.


2 T/S Member Comments Called Out, 7 Total Comments
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  1. collapse expand

    I’m waiting for the following headline:

    Lebron comes out…Of the closet!

    Might suspend some of the testosterone fueled hyperbola. (Bet you didn’t think I knew the long form of that word.)

  2. collapse expand

    Wouldn’t it be easier for us all to follow the free agent shenanigans if they just put themselves up on eBay?

  3. collapse expand

    I have it on good authority that he’s signing with the Dutch national soccer team to be their new goalkeeper and give himself a chance to finally win a championship of some kind.

  4. collapse expand

    Oh man, Dan Gilbert made this so much more enjoyable. I feel like we’ve struck internet comedy gold here. Can we get more angry rants in silly fonts? Quick someone transcribe Mel Gibson’s threatening messages into Dan Gilbert font. Not me though, I’m lazy.

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    Twitter: @b_donovan

    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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